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Saturday, September 27, 2003::

Medicine Time

As stated in my comment only more elaborated:

Ross, I'm not attacking you, I'm avoiding you. If you had any consideration and were my friend you'd know i take things personally. I know you take things personally so I suppose i avoid telling you things or making jokes or teasing you. That and I'm scared of you getting angry. The only difference between us is you get defensive outwardly and get angry and I get defensive inwardly and get upset.

Which is all crazy because people should really be HAPPY if I tease them or make jokes becuase I only tease and joke with people I'm really comfortable with.

I don't mean to leave you alone Sara, I really really don't. It makes me sad, even though it's my own decision. But I know if i go Ross will yell at me or say rude comments he doens't mean, which would be more okay if he could handle me teasing him without getting angry.

I'm sorry I'm weak, there, happy, Ross? I admit something. Ross you just make being around friends very unpleant. You told me you were working on it, you understood a week ago, Ross! Maybe I'll hang out with you this weekend, Sara, with Ross and everyone . . . but that's going to depend on some things.

I still havn't taken my medicine yet, in hope that if I take it alter it won't wear off so soon. But I don't want to have to be on medications, on drugs to be able to handle people. I DON'T want to depend on pills to be able to function in life! When I take the medicine . . . I don't even notice it working . . . and it starts working pretty fast. Because i can sitll experiance any emotion but I'm 500 times less likely to cry. When I'm on my medicine and something makes me sad my eyes will water up a little and burn a bit and then it'll go away and i'll still feel sad . . . but i won't cry. I don't think about death. I don't hate people.

But say I forget a dose or havn't taken my medicine, even for one day, even without realizing it, then my emotions are worse than they were back last year before i even took medicine. Just crying and crying over EVERY LITTLE THING and I can't help it and not being able to sleep (though i seem to sleep fine in class the next morning), and hating people and wishing i were dead and bad memories and bad thoughts and everything I don't want comes rushing back into my mind and my life. I'm crying now, I've been crying all morning. So the medicine makes me depend on it to function, because being sad, being upset in this society is looked down upon by others and to myself.


Ross i know you can be a generous and caring person, I KNOW, I *KNOW* it, I've SEEN it, I KNOW you can be. But you hate me and it makes me scared of you because I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want to have to put my mind through abosulte torture just to be around my friends for a day.


I'll go this weekend. I'll hang out with you guys. I'm pretty excited about Kelsi going if she can.

But first I'm going to take a bath, and take my medicine, and then i'm going to call nathan and go to the library...then we'll see. Ok?

I don't want to cause disrution. Ross, for the record, I don't hate you. Just really really sad to be around you when you hate me.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:02 AM:-