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Saturday, July 30, 2005::

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

I've been thinking a lot about people who have friends backing them up durring difficult situations. I suppose I got involved in someone's else's problem because It reminded me of things that had occurred before. And a lot of people thought that the problem should have been resolved between the two people, but the reality was that it wasn't going to happen. Not in the way that was suggested anyway. Because in order for them to resolve it themselves, the idea of one group of people was to tear another person apart.

It's kinda like gang wars, you know?

I think the thing about when Mark made fun of me (or anyone) was that most people in that group of people did too. And it was just kinda angering for them to point at Mark as the one who made fun of me. But at least I've gotten apologies from Mark. When I talked to him after he started hanging out with me and Nathan more he finally realized that I was a person. and a COMPLETELY different person than Nathan. Nathan doens't deserve all the crap people say about him. He's honestly the sweetest person alive, even if he doesn't always pay attention to things all the time.

I think the thing is that we're all 17 and 18 and older now and you start seeing who everyone is going to be as an adult. In reality I'll probably hardly ever see anyone I knew from school or otherwise ever again after I leave for college. Not that I'll care that much, I'll be busy living my own life.

I saw this one girl from school yesterday who i'd seen around since like the 6th grade. It was crazy enough for watch her change from who she was in 6th grade to who she was in 7th grade. Then when I saw her yesterday she was still the same person. I listened to her and another girl talk about loving their boyfriends. And I kinda felt like they didn't even really know what love was. I guess to get a picture of this girl . . . she's very pretty, very popular, very 'trendy'. The thing is she'll probably be like that for the rest of her life. (with exception of something truely dramatic happening).

Thinking about a lot of people I used to be friends with . . . I'm really glad I'm not like them. I'm glad I won't have a lot of the same problems they will in adult life.

Hmm... I just read up on my post agian about when Mark used to make fun of me and it reminded me of a guy in jr. high who used to mess with me a lot. Knock my books off my desk, and laugh in my face and insult me and stuff. I hated him. I hated him SO much. I wanted to kill him (yeah I was pretty depressed back then and self-concious enough to care that much about an asshole). Last year in government class he came in as a new students into my class (apearently he had moved and moved back?) and one day everyone in the class was just kinda hanging out and talking to one another in groups and he called me over to his desk. Frankly, I was a little scared. I didn't really know what to expect. He asked me about some college stuff, and then it basically felt like he apologised to me for being stupid to me in the past. He told me that he used to be really stupid and everything but that he'd changed his way of thinking and he was better now. He was pretty nice and I totally respected him for that and let go of all that past pain. Mark was mean enough to say things about me, even if it wasn't to my face. People can see things differently once they open their eyes. And at least they apoloigised. It's all about forgiveness, guys.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:20 PM:-

Ho-Hum

So I only have 12 days in total until I am done with school for the summer. I will graduate on August 18th, which also happens to be Nathan's 21st birthday. Right after that Nathan will be leaving for Sam Houston. Supposidly Brazosport College Fall Semester doens't begin until August 29th. If that's so from the 10th to the 29th I will have 19 days of summer to myself until the Fall semester begins.

I'm . . . excited? Nervous? Maybe both. I'm VERY worried about transportation. I as of right now have no way to get to college that I can rely on. Everyone I know if going to highschool or LEAVING for college very soon. If my mom can't get things straight I'm starting to wonder if I should wait a semester to go to school. Especially since I need to plan my courses very soon.

Nathan and I = very, very good. I havn't gotten snappy, I hadn't gotten angry or upset at him in over 2 weeks. In the meantime we're just trying to spend time together before he leaves for college. I know he'll have friends when he leaves around him all the time but I might have some hard times coping. Hopefully I'll meet some new people.

I know I've been feeling pretty crapily lately, but I suppose I'm just frighting against the odds. I feel like I'm free FINALLY . . . but I'm still stuck in this cage. And it's just the same cage I've been stuck in for years. Barred in by my parents, barred in by a lack of confidence, a low self esteem and a general fear of being disliked. Well, I don't really care if anyone dislikes me anymore, if someone wants to get snappy or tell me I'm something I'm not or be all standoffish toward me they can kiss my ass. They're not worth it. There have been so many people out there that I've just assumed were better than me because they acted as if they were, or for some reason I thought they were just more awesome than me. I just took it all the time, I just stood there like a moron and didn't want to deal with it. Well, I'm really done with that. People can walk around with their heads shoved up their ass and think they're pretty hot stuff for as long as they want. ...I'll just laugh, because they're shit-faced ^_^;. (sorry for my language. I was just a wonderful opportunity that I couldn't resist. ha.) For once I can realize that people who seem great can be at the bottom of their mountain, and for once I can rise above them and be all "FREAKING WOO."

...THAT was an interesting post.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 4:13 PM:-

Fever

This is the second time I've woken up in a fever and had really strange dreams. Absolutly nothing is wrong with me, I just feel really, blah. I'm completely healthy otherwise. This is so weird :(

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:43 AM:-

EDIT: (in reply to Sam Nothing in accordence with his comment about the bottom of this post) I was going to comment this . . . but yeah, it ended up being very long. He said it was young-people bullshit to want a job that I like. He said "no one likes their jobs." He wants me to be super rich. He wants me to be a pharmacist so he can get free MEDICATIONS when he retires. I thought about being a pharmacist, I really did, but I thought also that I might not be able to take the schooling, becuase I'm less chemistry-minded but I am more anatomy-minded. What he's doing is using me, I don't even want to tell him what I REALLY want to be. I can't even talk to him, it's his fault I feel EMBARASSED to tell anybody what I want to do with my life. It's not just my dad, it's my entire dad's FAMILY. Once my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up (all his kids are in the chemical plant/medical business) and I should have said nothing so that he would have just lectured me about what I should be as a suggestion. But God knows why I told him, maybe I just wanted someone to be proud of what I wanted to be, though I should have been smart enough to know he never would. I told him, and he blew up in my face and yelled at me about how stupid that was and he kept going "YOU WANT TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST? READ MY MIND!!! READ MY MIND!!!" He told me I should be a doctor or a lawyer, they pay more. I got so upset, I took it all and I was crying and when we left he felt bad and called later and apologised to me. But he only apologised because he hurt my feelings, he didn't care that it was what I wanted to do. It kinda crushed me, and since then I've never felt really compassionate about helping other people out. I think I know what I want to be, but an inward fear of being rejected, or the fact that it might change toa lesser position only makes me embarassed to even discuss it. I will say that what I want to do is a respectable position. Actually, I'll just say it, Sara's words inspired me to be a dentist. and if I decided to go all the way I would make over $100,000 a year on median. Still less than a pharmacist. It's basically in the medical field, but since I'm not quite sure if I can handle trauma cases, I might decide to be a dental hygeinist instead, something I KNOW I could do and somethign that I really wouldn't mind doing and I could possible have FUN (as weird as that sounds). UNFORTUNATELY for my dad it *ONLY* makes about a little more than $60,000 a year median (for this area). *shakes head* He's going to loose me. He might insult my half-sister and she'd still love him, but what he doesn't realize is that I havn't loved him in years. And what he doesn't realize is that the only reason I stick around is because he holds the money to pay for my college. If I had the money on my own means I would not put up with him. I'd leave. I would be gone ina heart beat. Sometimes I think I'd rather live under a bridge than put up with his lies. But that would be foolish so I havn't left. I hope he's had a significant life of raising his children to dislike him, and i hope his sole purpose in life (to be rich) makes him feel better when he dies.

Today my dad told me to get my head out of my butt.

That's right. Today my dad called the house and when my mom told him that I would be signing up for fall college classes soon, he wanted to talk to me because he was "eager to find out" what I was going to do with my life. I just said "okay" and he said, "don't forget about a pharmacist!" I was just kinda like, "heh, okay" and he said, "You can do it!" and I said, "Yeah, I CAN do it, but that doens't mean I WANT to do it" and so he started arguing with me again about how "it's money that matters" and I told him that I want to do what I LIKE, and something I LIKE doens't have to be a poor paying job, or even a medium paying job, but it doens't have to be a FORTUNE. He told me that my half-sister had said the same thing, and that it was "bullshit." Then he told me to stop thinking like Nathan and to get my head out of my butt. Then he said "BYE" and I hung up. I hate him. Someone adopt me :(

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:39 PM:-

The Pains of Insomnia

So something had to go wrong and it finally did. I felt pretty bad last night, emotionally. That wasn't really the issue though, being emotional doesn't really mean anything. I was just sad because I felt guilty for taking up so much of Nathans time, and I was trying to talk to him about it but he was distracted with others things, so I decided I'd leave him alone and go to bed. The only problem was I wasn't tired. So not only was I not tired, but emotionally I felt guilty and sad which made me restless. I can't really tell you WHEN I got to sleep, but all I know is that when I finally did I had strange, strange dreams. The first time I woke up from my dream it was 5AM. And I was like "uughhh...nnno" because when I woke up I was completely awake again. The second time I finally fell asleep, when I woke up I was twisted and wraped up in my comforter, I felt EXTREMELY HOT, I was sweating, my stomach hurt like something awful and my whole body was stiff and sore. And even though I was completely awake again when I woke up the second time, tt took me a loooong time to be able to pry myself out of that bed.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:15 AM:-

No Title

*cackle**snort*

Rhodes Jewish Museum

Nathan you Jew!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:38 PM:-

Lately I've Been Feeling Like . . . a Falling Bomb.

. . . the ground is getting closer. And the sky is falling . . . down. Of course, I'm not falling down in a destructive force, but magestically. I am being grounded, brought back down to earth. Reality now gives me something to love and cherish just like in my dreams. Instead of dwelling on some troubling daydreams of strife or encouragement I can dwell instead on things that have actually happened.

I don't feel lonely anymore, I don't feel TROUBLED, I don't feel so different now. This past week has been crazy, I understand things more than ever. I feel myself as the selfish troubled little girl I was before fading away. I'm still in awe at everything. If I had no friend other than Nathan, I would feel content. Not that my friends are not important to me. I still feel sorrow however for all the times that Nathan was hurting that I didn't see it. That won't be the case ever again.

Everything is moving slowly closer together, what I'm going to do with my life. My career choice as well as my college choice is going to be coming to me pretty soon. Eventually through some work I will overcome social phobias, that way I will be able to call colleges or talk to councelors.

God, I love life.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:57 PM:-

Man I'm hungry, I feel like I havn't eaten in days. And actually . . . besides dinner at Nathans house last night I might not have . . .

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:14 PM:-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:10 PM:-

Responsibility

I hate how I'm responsible for everything. I mean, it really would be so bad except for like they [my parents/family] don't usually give themselves ANY responsibility.

For example, I am responsible for keeping track of my little sister at all time--where she is and how long she's gone. I'm also responsible for feeding her, and basically being her mother. Thats fine...except for the fact that even when my dad is HOME I'm still "in charge", that basically means my dad doens't want any responsibility and he's throwing it all on me. Another bad thing? I like to have a LIFE, these aren't my kids, I have FRIENDS and I like to GO PLACES. The problem is that they don't trust my brother Paul enough to watch Becca because he doens't "pay attention". So when i'm gone and only Paul is home, Becca technically isn't allowed out of the house. But Paul lets her out anyway, and when i come back, I never know where she is. So what happens if I'm nto home and my dad comes home and he doens't know where Becca is or she hasn't been fed? It's my fault. COMPLETELY my fault. I wonder if Paul could get off his lazy ass enough to take up any responsibility.

Or like how when it comes to chores, I DO my chores (eventually) but Paul won't do ANY of his unless you tell him to??? How about when my mom tells me to tell Paul to fold clothes and I forget . . . so when she comes home, she's angry at me for not telling him, but Paul should have known to fold them anyway since it's his freaking week to do laundry!!

I need out of this house!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:06 AM:-

haha...Maaaan, sometimes I like feeling like the only person in the world who highly dislikes Anime... 'cause then I can just look at my answers and cackle. A lot.

If LiveJournal were an anime... LiveJournal Username Do you watch anime? Yes.No.OMG YES!!!!!**** no!Only the good stuff, like Hayao Miyazaki.Only the good stuff, like Dragonball Z.What is this anime of which you speak? Do you speak Japanese? Hai, nihon-go ga dekimasu.Ano, sukoshi nihon-go ga dekimasu...I'd like to learn.BAKA!!!! KAZE NO KIZU!!! RYUTSUISEN!!!!Sashimi, tempura, ramen. I think I'm good.Like, no way, dude. Do you read Japanese? Yes.I read hiragana and katakana, but not kanji.I read hiragana or katakana, but not both and not kanji.Um, that one is 'ku', I think...KAZE!!!! MIZU!!!!! HI!!!!!No, I only read romanji.No, I only read English. What if LiveJournal were an anime? OMG YES!!!!My eyes would be big and shiny.I'd shoot myself.I'd commit hara-kiri.I'd be a high-school student by day and a ninja by night.Do I get to wear a sailor suit? Pick a Beach Boys song. KokomoSurfin' SafariSurfin' USADo You Wanna Dance?Good VibrationsHeroes and VilliansOther*Shoots the author of this quiz*WTF?!What does this have to do with anime? The performer of the opening theme The magical girl The talking animal The lecherous old man The teenager who uses ancient magic to win games The fifteen-year-old Japanese girl with blond hair and a D cup Number of seasons it would last 21,619 This Fun Quiz created by Elizabeth at BlogQuiz.Net

Gemini Horoscope at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:30 PM:-

Correct and Create

At what point does one realize that they're planning their future before their present is solved? Like, at what point do we plan on having this great career before you finnish our English papers? Or at what point do we plan on having a house before we have a career? Thats where I find myself. I'm tired of this blogging business, i'm so tired at times of writing out my disabilities instead of fixing them. At the same time I love my blog, because at times when I need it most and don't even know it, some person or people may jump in a comment and give me encouragement.

Right now I need to get out of this house, I need to go anywhere, do anything. I'm ready to do anything.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:11 PM:-

Your Acrobat Hero

Forever this road that goes on, forever.
Never lost anything except for you . . .
This path of existance, this meager exchange
Never fallen so far before, let me out
Let me out

Down and out - save me
Down and out - save me
Drowning out - save me
Drowning out - maybe . . .
Maybe I could be the acrobat hero . . .
Maybe I could beat this villan
Avenging your life, it's worth losing mine
You were the perfect one
Your soul in my mind it shines.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:35 PM:-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:55 PM:-

But in a World that is so Black and White

I'm slightly troubled with what words I should type . . . because even though I have so much stuff on my mind, I feel incapable of turning them into sensible words. I've been going up in down in how I am emotionally. And for a long time I hadn't moved anywhere spiritually, and now that it has moved, it's not moving up . . . but down. I've been letting myself get away with things, even things that I've never done before. And right now I'm sitting here thinking that it's not all that bad. You know? Kinda like "How bad can it be? It didn't seem so terrible." Bleh who knows. Its like . . . things are so black and white, and everyone talks about the grey area inbetween. Either way, it still doesn't tell me what's right and what's wrong. Although, honestly, with the way I am right now I'd likely not care even if if was wrong.


A Lesson in Selfconfidence
I've been helping myself have confidence lately. Some people can naturally just look in the mirror and notice how great they are, but then some of the people who realize how great they are *really* aren't all that great. And many people who think that they're not realy that great are sometime the greatest people in the world. Sometimes. I don't know . . . I just don't see how some people who "don't deserve" to feel like they're awesome creatures can have such an advantage over other awesome people who just can't see their potential. *sigh* 'Tis a copmplex.

I mean, it's really worthless to feel low self-esteem all the time, isn't it? And you notice it . . . when people feel inferior, it shows. And when poeple feel confident it shows. Even if I never feel truly self-confident, I don't want to show inferiority all my life I'm restating myself too much...

Sometimes, I'll walk into a room, particularly Church, and I really don't feel all that confident . . . but I'll try to look someone in the eyes. It feels like when their eyes meet mine they turn away. Like not really like, frightendly, more like overpassing me. It makes me feel really inferior, I suppose. And so I tend to not be able to associate with people, I'll just sit in a chair and watch people grimly. Maybe I'm the one looking away . . . I'll never know.

Heh, anyway, I've been thinking of quitting youth group lately. Maybe I'm just falling.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:28 PM:-

OK here we go

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am. (Nothing big. Seriously, they don't need to know every little place I go)
[ ] I don't like Bush because from what I hear, he is dumb.
[ ] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[>] I am for Bush. (half an x...I'm fore him because he is the president, nto because he's an awesome one or anything)
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic manga books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed. (sometimes)
[x] I open up to others easily
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news. (when i think about it)
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney Movies.
[x] I am a sucker for dark hair/eyes. (depends...hair mostly...i tend to favor lighter eyes however. It doens't REALLY matter.)
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ring. (What do they mean by "that"? I have paid for ringtones, though)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic
[x] I have "x"s in my screen name. (in one)
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation. (SO happened to me..)
[ ] I love Spam (NASTY)
[x] I bake well. (who can't?? it gives instructions on the box! XP)
[x] I would wear/have worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I eat fast food weekly
[x] I have many scars. (I have a few)
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (well this depends on where I saw the spider and how long until i went to bed...roaches on the other hand..)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see a therapist.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails. (I've improved a lot)
[x] I am comfortable with being me. (eh...usually)
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] Gotten lost in your city.
[ ] Saw a shooting star.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger
[ ] Hugged a stranger
[x] Been in a fist fight. (do siblings count? ^^)
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[x] Swore at your parents.
[x] Kicked a guy where it hurts. (so many times...)
[x] Been close to love.
[ ] Been to a casino.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[x] Skipped school
[ ] Flashed someone.
[ ] Done the splits.
[ ] Played spin the bottle.
[x] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (Mark...)
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Kissed a member of the same sex (not like THAT!)
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[ ] Ridden in a taxi
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[ ] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ] Stolen something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[x] Lied to a friend (I'm pretty sure I do this to avoid confrontation. I'm such a pussy)
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher
[ ] Celebrated mardigras in New Orleans
[ ] Been to Europe
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[ ] Had children
[ ] Saw someone dying
[ ] Been to Africa
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day. (i think...)
[ ] Been to Canada
[ ] Been to Mexico
[ ] Been on a plane
[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[ ] Eaten Sushi
[ ] Been snowboarding
[ ] Been Skiing
[x] Met someone in person from the internet (Actually...it was Lindsey...we talked before she moved here)
[ ] Been to a motor cross show
[ ] Lost a child
[x] Gone to college
[ ] Graduated college
[ ] Done hard drugs
[x] Taken painkillers
[x] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Miss someone right now

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:11 PM:-

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 36% Stability |||||| 26% Orderliness |||||| 26% Altruism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||| 16% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||| 36% Conflict seeking || 10% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||| 16% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

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-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:06 PM:-