Welcome to Shady Dreams // "Loading..." //

Credits

Design MKdesign //
Hostest Blogger //
Template Blogskins //

Sunday, June 29, 2003::

Well it's 9:27a.m. I thought I had woken up late but i didn't. Heh. It's Sunday so I have church today. I wonder how I'll have to slave after church. Gaah. Gimmee moneeeey...

And Nathan was very great yesterday when I was upset. I love him. I'm just sorry still that I was grumpy.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:33 AM:-

This day's been really rough. I'm so tired. Gaah.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:19 PM:-

New . . . blogger? That's . . . New. Hmm. I think I like it. Ooo...food. No--that wasn't food--tricksters! Blargh. I'm so grumpy today - - I. Don't. Want. To. Go. To. The. Clinic. Today. Grrrr. I don't think I want to do anything today.

Except eat. *eats ham*

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:39 PM:-

Today was very fun havnging out with Nathan most the day. But now that I'm home I'm feeling a bit lonely. I can feel a headache coming on. I hate the atmosphere of my house. I think it's hot in here. Heh. Wow, sooo depressing. Speaking of "depression" my dad wants me in bed by 12am because staying up all night "causes depression". Oh dear.

And speaking of depression, this tearapy thing bites ass. I thought it would help but it doesn't. It just frustrates me further. And I walk in and he asks me how my week was and here are the exact problems I have

1. the medicine doesn't do crap, probably it's placebo, and wasting my time.
2.I have memory problems and can't remember my past weeks anyway.
3. Why does my mom have to be in the room, WHY? I think I've lied a lot to Dr. Jain. I think I'm a compulsive liar.

Wow, I suck.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:49 PM:-

I need something to do with my life.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:43 PM:-

My MSN died...like, dead. Like, I have to redownload it. Gah. Micro$oft $ucks. my contacts are:

Yahoo: deletedfromsociety
AIM: Redwallish Hare

BTW, sAra, can I be back on the Fat-blogerness if it's not too much trouble?

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 6:44 PM:-

I should have comments now.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:02 AM:-

I think I got it.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:31 AM:-

Technical changes people...technical changes...

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:00 AM:-

I've read the Fat-blog. And I was going to post but then I forgot that I quit the Fat-blog *D'OH*
So I'll post my reply here? Russell, after I read your message I understand and I am sorry for offending you. You're persistant swearing and comdemning did put a bad image over you and I'm still a little fearful of your presense. Maybe that'll change, though. All I could see at time was your messages and what you said and it all seemed pretty fickle. I hope that you are infact a better person than the blog makes you out to be. You just have to realize I care about Sara (too?) and that I just want to protect my friends and comfort them and give them assurance and advice to make them happy. Sara, I don't know how much my opinion is changed because I'm still slightly suspicious, but maybe I shouldn't be, but I just want you to do what'll make the best outcome. That's my concern as a friend.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:19 PM:-

Sara and Mark made nifty 100 things about themselves and stoof on |Sara's Blog| and |Mark's Blog
| They're spiffy. I think I'll make one too. Cause it's fun.


1. I don't like the night.
2. It creeps me out.
3. I sleep with my kitty pillow in which I only use for the sole purpose to hug and cuddle.
4. I used to hate reading.
5. I used to spend every waking moment outside in the sun playing.
6. I played with the neighborhood kids . . . for a long time, all of them were boys.
7. I was a tomboy, dressed, acted, and fought like a boy.
8. My first neighborhood FEMALE friend lived right behind me . . . she was a tomboy too.
9. I used to be pretty normally-like tanned.
10. Now I'm really really pale.
11. After my bestfriend that lived behind me moved in the 6th grade, I stopped going outside and playing.
12. And started listening to music.
13. A LOT.
14. I'd listen to music and then sit outside on the swing outside alone swinning and daydreaming for hours until I was forced to go inside.
15. My swing broke a lot.
16. Once it threw my against the fence.
17. My mom thew my swing away.
18. Now I jump around in my room to music.
19. I'm 5'0"
20. And I'm 87 pounds
21. My eyes change between green and brown.
22. It never did this before the 6th grade.
23. 7th and 8th grade were terrible.
24. Never go there. NEVER.
25. I used to be serverely shy until the 8th grade.
26. I met my friend D'Mari in the 8th grade when she walked up to me one day before the bell rang for gym to let out and went "Hiiii!"
27. She doesn't remember that.
28. D'Mari liked me because she thought I was a goth.
29. It was just the fact that I wore black a lot.
30. I like black.
31. But I also like greens and very light/soft purples.
32. Black makes me look dead.
33. That's why I like to wear it.
34. It's spiffy.
35. I was obsessed with the British novel series "Redwall" for about 2 years.
36. I met a lot of online friends that way.
37. I was obsessed with the actor Tobey Maguire after I watched Spiderman last summer.
38. I never really udnerstood why.
39. I think I liked his eyes.
40. I really hate the word "cool" and use other words instead like "fun" and "spiffy" and "neato" and "nifty".
41. I'd never liked an actor before, and I thought it was strange.
42. The longest boyfriend/girlfriend relationship I've had lasted 1 year and about 2 months.
43. I'm kinda proud of that.
44. The shortest one lasted only 2 weeks.
45. I'm pretty ashamed of that.
46. I like cheese, but not cold, and not on a lot of things.
47. I've never had a bestfriend that lasted more than 3 years.
48. My favorite kind of movies are comedys.
49. I've been to only 3 weddings.
50. I've been to about 10 funerals, maybe more.
51. The saddest one was the funeral of my cousin's 7-year old son who died because he got sucked into a boat moter.
52. I had a nightmare about that one.
53. I don't cry at funerals.
54. We've had about 10 family reunions in my lifetime.
55. They're called funerals.
56. I'm practically addicted to caffeine. (it keeps me alive)
57. My low self-esteem probably started from back in the summer before 1st grade when I started daycare in a new place and had this "bestfriend" named Samantha that treated me like crap.
58. That went on for 3 years.
59. After that I met Courtney. I don't think she liked me at first but then we became bestfriends.
60. She was a little harsh on me because I was weak.
61. But she was my friend anyways and we were bestfriends for 3 years.
62. After that I didn't have a single bestfriend for a long time until 8th grade when I met D'Mari.
63. D'Mari beats all of them in understanding.
64. You're probably finding my list pretty boring.
65. I used to beat up my cousin Jason who is proabbly about 11 years older than me.
66. I've been beating him up since I was maybe 2 years old.
67. I used to beat up and torment my younger brother because I wanted him to become tough and I didn't want him to have a life like mine where people picked on me and I'd get upset and cry.
68. I failed on teaching him to be tough.
69. Except that he can beat me up now 'cause he's like 125 pounds, and he's like 5'6". Cheater.
70. But I did teach him a lot of school work and he's in SEARCH classes and makes perfect A's (except in Art class)
71. People used to make fun of me in 7th grade because I read "big books" and i had a library card.
72. When I was a baby I pulled a highchair down on my head and had a big bump in the middle of my forehead.
73. I attempted to drive my moms car down my street and park in our driveway last week.
74. I parked it crooked.
75. My mom took pictures of it.
76. I want to have a career in psychology when I'm an adult.
77. And I want inside pets.
78. In the 8th grade, I comtemplated becoming an athiest but I was too scared.
79. My dad bribed me into changing my brothers diapers when I was as young as 4 years old.
80. I really know how to change diapers. o.O
81. When I was about 6 years old, I got lost at the mall.
82. I got to be wheeled around the mall in a wheelchair by a cop until we found my half-sister in the managers office upset because she couldn't find me.
83. She made me promise not to ever tell my mom about it.
84. I havn't seen my older sister Amanda in 6 years.
85. Her nickname was Mandy but now she goes by Andy.
86. I don't like breakfast.
87. I used to be obsessed with Canada.
88. I officially have NO clean clothes left.
89. I used to be really hairy--like on my arms and legs and my eyebrows--but now I shave. (my mom wouldn't let me shave until the 7th grade)
90. A LOT.
91. I hate shaving.
92. One day I'm gunna start waxing.
93. Actually it wasn't so much that I was hairy except the fact that I'm pale and my hair is practically black/dark brown which looks disgusting.
94. I got my ears pierced when I was 12 because my ears were too small when i was a baby to have them pierced.
95. I like looking scarey.
96. Its a defensive technique.
97. That's why I like black and spikes and chains and eyeliner.
98. Oh yeah.
99. My dad wanted to name me Paula when I was born.
100. Hell no.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:25 PM:-

Moo.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:25 PM:-

Nuzzle action.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:16 PM:-

My electricity was shut off yesterday. It was so hot and humid and dark. It didn't get turned back on until this afternoon. I'm sleep deprived. I havn't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I'm so paranoid at night. Well, the power is back, and so is D'Mari. I missed her so much. Heh. I think I'm slowly losing her as a friend. Everyone and everything else takes up my time. I can talk to her though and I think we're starting to drift apart. I need to fix that. I'm so tired though. I kind of want to see a movie . . . except I'm broke. I think I've been under a lot of stresses. I had another anxiety attack. I believe it had already started before I even read the fat-blog. Everything just became so overwhelming and I became pretty upset over little things, and everything in general. Call me weak, I could care less. It just made my chest tightness and pain feel worse. It was a little hard to breathe and i was shaking a little. After a few minutes I calmed down and it went away and so did my stomach aches. I'm not sure wether to mention this to Dr. Jain tomorrow. Especially in front of my mom. I don't like her to know things. Parents somehow always want to tell you how to solve your solutions instead of letting you figure iy ouy on your own. I quit the fat-blog. For many complex little, big, and along with personal reasons. I don't think anyone'll understand why. But I won't post my reasons here. I don't think I can deal with anything right now. Or anyone for that matter. I think I want to be alone for the next couple weeks . . .

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:41 PM:-

I was reading in my book "The Dream Encyclopedia" today (which has lots of information on psychology, religons, and toerh such things including Sigmond Frued) and I was flipping through and I ran across "Hallucinations." I was interested because I had this dream before . . . or it was like a dream . . .

I was sleeping in my bed, in the exact same spot and way I was actually in facing the wall. A sound of rustling disterbed my sleeping and I became irrated. I thought it was my mom, snooping or looking for something like clothes or a piece of paper. I was really annoyed by this continous racket of movement and I grred "Do you mind??? I'm trying to sleep here!" But what replied was not my mom's voice, it was the voice of a grown man, unfamiliar, cold, threatening. "You won't be for long" My heart stopped, and my stomach churned. I held my breath in shock and my eyes popped open. I was facing the wall and I felt this presence coming over me and on the wall I saw there was a shadow. I knew i was going to die, and I was frightened beyond anything I'd ever felt before. My defensive mode kicked in about then and I jerked back and kicked out with both of my legs and arms ready to defend myself and I yelled loudly--but there was nothing there...My heart raced and I looked around my room to be certain. No one. Strange . . .


I'm not saying I'm crazy. And this was a few months ago. Before I took pills. Before I had the anxiety attack. I'd had vivid dreams before . . . but none as real as that. And it was only one time. I had convienced myself that it was a dream. But it reads that hallucinations are often thought of as "vivid dreams". I just want to know.

I think perhaps this exact dream-like-thing was brought on by my fear of my house being broken into at night (and when i'm alone in the day). As has been a great fear of mine for ever, I beleive. I lay ther at night listening to the voices and the creeking of the door or the footsteps or the rustling of paper on my floor. Voices are usually of my mom and my sister and their footsteps tot he restroom. And the creeking of the front door by my mom stepping out for a cigarette. And the rustling of my paper a coincedence perhaps a bug. A large one. Which also makes me shudder at the thought. My windows often leave me paranoid from sounds outside or when I think something has walked past them.

I didn't mention this to Dr. Jain, I don't think they'll understand and I don't think it's anything to worry about. Just my thoughts on it.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:11 PM:-

I hope everything gets better for Sara. In whatever way that is.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:25 PM:-

As much as this quarel doesn't involve me. I still feel the need to post my true opinion. Ross that was pretty stupid. You never learn. I guess you always DID favor Russell more, huh? But as much as you've done to cause the distress it's not about you anymore. Right now I just want to make Sara happy. And to shut Russells foolhardy mouth up. In my opinion . . . Sara deserves better. Because she's a better person. And she can get better. It shouldn't be thought of as "1 1/2 years down the drain" because that just means you have more experience. Sara, don't let Russell "punish" you for what you did and technically you WERE on a break, sooo... And if you do get back together I wish you the best. But make sure that before you do there is complete forgivness. Because if he keeps bringing it uo later . . . that's going to account for a whole lot of mental distress. And i dunno, but from a lot of what I've read it seems to be an abusive relationship. Not physically, but mentally. It seems he's one of those people that will lure you in and capture you with their sweet remarks and tell you how much they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you . . . but in turn are always angry and speak hatefully and "punish", threaten maybe even. But make it "all better" by saying how much they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you and care about you and make compliments about you until in your mind you don't think you could get anyone better. No. It's a mentally abusive relationship and it's NOT COOL. Ross I see why you love him so much. I'm nto saying all those things in the negative side take place but if it causes distress in the same way then it's no good.

As much as insulting Sam may be releaving . . . It'll do no good.

---

"and if you liked her so much you wouldnt have kissed her you stupid fuck. because now im breaking up with her....she loves me...despite what she did. and whats past isnt past you fucking coward.

---

Kinda sounds like Russell is "punishing Sam by punishing Sara" and I kind of wish that Sara didn't love you. but that's my own private opinion.

Inside I do feel bad for Russell, he's probably very upset and sad over it (angry obviously as well), I just think he's handling it in a bad way. See, Ross? You and him aren't very different. You're both very critical too. Heh.

Tip that no one has to take but is a TIP anyway: Russell, if you're breaking up with Sara, don't bother her with guilt, she already has enough of it. And if you get back together with her don't evr bring it up again, because the past should be left in the past and it'll only effect your relationship more negativly.


That's my thoughts, not like anyone's reading it . . .

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:57 PM:-