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Tuesday, November 30, 2004::

*Wump!*

School.is.going.to.murder.me. I need to pass English, I just need to pass English, I wish I knew how to write this essay, I'm going to die. Oh God. 5 zeros... five of them. I have five "0"s in English. I have all this work piled up in front of me, I'm. Going. To. Die. Not only do I have English...but I have lots fo Chemestry, and tomorrow I have lots of history. I wish I could focus. >.<

I need to sign up for Theatre at the College...I don't know how, I don't have the forms, I can't get to the college to pick up any. Ugh.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 4:54 PM:-

Yeah

EDIT: I KNEW I had blogged, I just pressed the wrong button...and then Blogger was being stupid...w00. Well, I'm going to delete it and start over

I just woke up, I've been doing a lot of things this week with people and stuff. Unfortunately I also have a lot of homework I need to satrt doing. (Amy doing homework??!) Yeah...I want to graduate. >.<

I'm almost done with the 5th comic in BARAKA...my keenspace account is being retarded, I'm pretty sure there's no way i'm going to satrt publishing them this year. I want to use keensapce, but it keeps telling me the password they gave me is wrong, ugh.

Friday meand Melissa and Millie rode around being retarded, wee.
Saturday I did absolutly nothing
Sunday I tried to find the puppy a home, but no luck, me and Melissa were hanging out then was the jourmney to find Matt's house, abruptly followed by going to Aniques house o_0 (We knew where that was) and were crazy/weird then we went to shy pond but the mosquitoes ate us, then we went to Taco Bell, wee.
Monday, still couldn't find the puppy a home, I think it was this day that me and Melissa helped Anique put up Christmas lights...
Tuesday still couldnt find the puppy a home, never did find one. I can't really remember what happoened this day....
Wednesday Nathan came down and we went over to his house, Ross came voer and we were going to go to his aunt's house to see his aunt and to play Halo. We ended up just talking and SAra and Mark came over, Then I wenty home and the rest of them went to IHOP.
Thusday was Thanksgiving, I ate, then hung out with Nathan, me and him and his cousin Robbie and his sister Emily went trecking through the woods until we found Old Angleton Road, then hoboed around to the gas station, and to the bowling alley, where his dad found us and picked us up and we rode in the abck of his truck to Nathan's house. w00.
Friday: I hung out with Nathan a bit, we went to the mall and said hi to Anique then went over to visit Glenn, and then me and michele went to see the rehearsal of Madrigal.
Today (Saturday) I should be doing homework, but I think I'll start this out with an attempt to play sims 2...

I need a better graphic's card. Stupid intigrated crap.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:01 PM:-

I remember the way you'd laugh and say that you love me and don't just pretend to

Maybe I'm doubting everything you can do . . . perhaps. Maybe it's just hard for me to accept that somebody can do ANYTHING. Maybe I want everything too fast . . . I need to slow down and enjoy the wind, the rain, the sun; life. I feel like I don't deserve it, maybe I need to change? How do I repair all that I've broken? These pieces of me, shattered, and scattered upon the ground can not heal by their self. It's foolish to ask where are you, you're right there. But where am I? For even though we are to walk by faith and not by sight, it makes me wonder where I'm standing. Maybe I need more faith. Maybe I need to stop thinking "later". Maybe I need to throw myself down. Maybe I need to apologise to everyone. Maybe I don't need anybody. But no, it's not their fault, it's my own. I don't deserve to be around anyone. You keep telling me what I can have -- BUT I DON'T DESERVE IT. Can't you see that? I feel like I'm in a middle place in my life. Where I'm just waiting. WAITING. But for WHAT? Maybe I need more patience. I need to go on a walk. I need to sit by myself and enjoy life outside. I can't keep living as what I used to be. Now I'm just rotting slowly from the inside, it burns. I feel sick every day. I feel like I don't matter. When they ask if anybody needs prayer, I just say to myself "It's not that big of a problem." Or, "I don't want to tell them, it's a stupid reason." The problem you're saying is that the problem doens't look that big, but it's roots are killing me. W00, poisonous roots. Great.

I'm sorry, I want to start over. Next time I'll be better, I'll be a better sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, student.

I just want to go now, but I can't leave yet. I have a mission.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:52 PM:-

Skittles

So today I need to call Anique about if she can have the puppy (named Skittles). He's a really freakin' cute puppy, but Melissa's dad's being a butt and wants to take it back to the SPCA, and if he doesn't get adopted in 30 days they're going to kill him. ;;

So I was asking around and Anique said she wants it but, it's just the matter of if she can have it or not. So we're going to call her today to find out. If she can't I guess you'll see me and Melissa on the side of the street with a sign that says "Free puppy".

Arf.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:39 AM:-

Wire clogged, possessed computer?

[stranded] says:
and actually sound card is just my guess. more likely its something more serious. i think my computer needs triple bypass, or an exorcism
Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again. But I know I must go on, although I hurt ... says:
:-p

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:20 PM:-

Better Late Than Never

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain Wednesday, Thursday and so on and so forth, of course I'll only explain what I feel is in my right place to sayn on my blog. Keep in mind, I tell STORIES (true ones though), not brief summaries, so anything I talk about is usually unnesssarily long ^^

Wednesday I was in church, and we had a guest speaker, honestly it was a great service. We had our heads bowed and eyes clsoed and he ahd people raise their hands for things that were going on in their lives, after that was over he asked if anyone had raised their hands for any reason to go up to the alter, well, Melissa didn't want to go alone so she asked me to go with her. Honestly I should have been up there anyways, I just didn't want to . . . admit to it? I don't know. Maybe I just thought that I didn't need/deserve anything. The guy was trying for people, telling them things about themselves, plans for their future. He didn't come to me, which is a good thing because I probably would ahve wet myself o_0.
But I saw a lot of people, and friends get prayed for and it made me feel really good. I felt really good inside. The service lasted a long time. Well, we went back to our seats and everything took it's course and we were let out.
So I dashed to the bathroom because i really had to pee. And I heard someone say "We need to go, it's almost 9 o-clock" (Service is suppose to end at 8:30) and I PANICED, becuase my dad was going to KILL ME. So i found my sibelings and we ran out to my dad who was waiting in his truck. On the way there I got the sense that "everything is going to be okay", and "time will pass it by". Anyway, I opened the door and the first thing I see is my dad's face, and he was REALLY angry, and he said "YOU CAN NEVER GO TO CHURCH AGAIN" and I just got all these flashbacks about never seeing anyone again, he's still yelling, saying how he had to wait "30 goddammn minutes" (I hate it when people cuss, it makes me think of my dad), I got really upset, I knew he was being selfish, "YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET 'SAVED-ON-SUNDAY'...", He didn't even pray about it, he didn't even stop to think that maybe something amazing could be happening inside, that maybe something greater than him was at work.

Of course not, because that's not my dad, he's a better Christian than I am but he doens't have a relationship with God, he has nightmares all the time, he can't sleep in silence (he has to have his music on because he's parnaoid), he's super anxious all the time, he can't ever be wrong. Honestly I don't think the man could fall on his knees for anything except maybe money. I never want to marry anyone similar to him, if all guys are like that, maybe I don't want to marry at all. (This is the point where I decide to become asexual)

So when we get home, I just want to vent, I feel so exasperated, but as we get to the front door my dad tells us that we aren't allowed to get on the computer, and we can't watch TV, we have to go straight to bed. So I do, with all this pent up disapointment, and pain, and I just lay there, thinking about how maybe nothing will ever be right. But I kinda felt like God would make it better, evens till I coudln't stop crying. I was just startign to make friends! At least this time I wasn't thinking about killing myself.

Thursday, I woke up and felt unsurprizingly numb, I wouldn't come out of my room as long as my dad was in the livingroom (but isn't that normal?) I went to school and seemed ot be doing fine durring "0" hour, I was in the cafeteria before school, I felt really numb, and I tried to explain what had happened and I cracked. I just felt horrible. It wasn't fair.

I stopped crying, but was teary-eyed all through 1st period, even though I put ona face and pretended I was happy, I didn't talk to people more than I felt I needed too. In 2nd period, everybody was really happy because it was Nelson's birthday and everyone was having fun and eating, they didn't really pay attention to me though, even though there was only like 10 people in the class. I didn't feel like celebrating anyways, so I picked up and went to the corner of the room and just sat there. The teacher came over and asked me why I was crying (I wasn't???) but of course, never ask me something like that when I'm not feeling good cause then I'll satrt crying, rawr!! o_0 she INSISTED that I needed to go to the councelor. I said I didn't. She asked me if I was upset becuas eof "her" . . . HER??? What HER??? I was confused, I started thinking mayvbe this girl that wasn't in class today had killed herself, I kinda freaked out inside a little (but she's ok). She still insisted, dispite me telling her, REALLY, I DON'T NEED TO GO.

So I was like whatever, and the councelor came to get me, that's the first time I've ever been sent to the councelor, seriously. Everyone in the class was saying "bye, sweetie" and mush like that. Why were they even being nice to me? They don't even talk to me. They didn't even understand the situation at all.
So now I'm with the councelor, she's a very nice lady, and fun, let me say, however I REALLY didn't want to talk to her. I pretty mcuh refused to talk to her. So she went around the topic, darn them and their training. So whatever, I certainly didn't want to tell her why I was crying, my reasons seemed pretty silly to me. But we finnished when I mentioned that lunch was almost over and I had to catch the bus for 3rd period. She kinda paniced cause she was scared that I wouldn't get to eat, but whatever. So I went to lunch and tried to eat a muffin bar thing . . . but I wansn't really hungry. I stood by a group of people for a bit but just felt out of place. ialked to Aarona bit. I threw the rest of the muffin bar int he grass and went to 3rd period. The rest of the day I tried to forget about it, it'll get better. But yeah. Who's ever been banned from church before because the service let out late??? HONESTLY??? I guess I have.

I'll have to see if he follows through with it, maybe I just need to get a ride with friends now. Satan just wants me to miss something, I'm certainly not going to let him though. Why would that attack come so horrifyingly at that time? Why would the attack be that direct? Why does Satan mess with ME?

----

Well, I could probably post about other things, but this is an extreamly long post, I hope poeple read it and understand it. I'll just let that sit here a while.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:15 PM:-

Meow!

Um, just, don't get me satrted about my day.

here, have fun:

[stranded] says:
*unties you, puts you in basket, and gives you FISH*
[stranded] says:
you cannot resist the fish
[stranded] says:
you know you cannot
[stranded] says:
*ties green bow around you*
Amy Kelley says:
the power of it's fishiness compels me!
Amy Kelley says:
*pounce!*
[stranded] says:
:o!
[stranded] says:
*ducks* is it possible to dodge a cat???
Amy Kelley says:
is it possible to dodge a flying moose?
[stranded] says:
... yes
Amy Kelley says:
what about a flying rabid moose in polkadot boxers?
[stranded] says:
...
[stranded] says:
ferrets are invincible
Amy Kelley says:
...
Amy Kelley says:
...be free, little pop-tart!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:16 PM:-

Toad the Wet Sprocket

Though the air speaks of all we'll never be, it won't trouble me. It won't trouble me.

I'm be lying if I said me and Nathan are doing great right now, he's on the verge of a mental break down, or already has had one, and I'm ina state of extream apathy and lonerness.

In the end, I don't know, I think we both need to grow up, i think we're keeping eachother down, as much as we hold eachother up.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:53 PM:-

Back
camp was awesome, at least i think it was.

I'm a little down, maybe it's kind of like the thing where the devil gets to you after being through good things. Meh. My mind is exhausted, i'm confused about a lot of thins, like friendships, like i've been lately. I guess i-i don't know how to explain it. I'm still trying to define who's my friends. I don't really have any friends to be there for me. Without being a 3rd wheel or feeling in the background of course. Nathan's my bnest friend, but he's never here, everything kind fo weakens when you're not around eahcother i guess.

I feel like i need to bleed. Like travled own some alley and get attacked and have blood flowing down my face and staining my shirt and making puddles on the ground. But I feel like that a lot. What possible reason could I have to live? I think i ask that a lot.

I wish I had more elaborate painting skills so I could paint my nightmares, i don't know why i have to urge to paint them, i just always have. Maybe it's just the artist in me. I suck too much to be an artist X_o. But I'm all emo like them. waah.

I need to write better pieces. Some of my writings make me want to kill myself they suck so bad, haha. I also need to make another art piece. And I need to comic-it-up. And i need to do homework--whoch i won't do. w00.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:42 PM:-

Trouble

Well I'm in trouble, I went ti D'Mari's last night with friends to watch some movies and didn't get back home until 10:20pm. I waslked in and turned off some lights and my dad goes "Come here!" o_x and then it started. Yeah, ans so appearently I wasn't suppose to be later than 9:30, and that I'm in trouble for being out late on a school night. Sooooo......now I'm in HUGE trouble. Now I either can't go to fall retreat or i'm grounded. *eats self*

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 6:14 AM:-

Ohh the sickness

I feel really nausious right now, at these moments it makes me wish I knew how to vomit. What am I on now? a record of not vomiting in 9 years? squee.

Well, I had the choice of not going to skl00 today, but I DID. It was fine, except that my muscles REALLY hurt and my head hurts and all food hurts me."

Geez, I need a life . . . I need to do my comic. I suppose I need to check my em-mail too-eee...phone! It's a Nathan!! Squee. I must take this now.
-bye-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:35 PM:-

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

So basicall,y there's two jerks right now that I can refer to. Brewster and then myself.

Basically in as broadness, I was concerned about him and asked him what happened, and he told me to shove it. So WHAT-EVER, ...JERK.

and then mmre recently the jerk is myself, because I accidentally stood up Sara for our trip to go thrift store shopping. I didn't even remember making final arragements, it's not like my memory is that great. And I made plans else where, and thought I'd be back in tmie, but wasn't. Nathan contacted me and told me that she was "a little sad" and angry and stuff. And I felt really horrible. and I got home and whined to nathan about how I suck and how muich she's going to hate me. He didn't really help any, he was just like "I'm sorry, you are kinds screwed". I called her phone but no one answered. And I was about to leave again so I told nathan to call while I was gone to tell ehr I had tried to call. I got back and no luck, he hadn't even tried toc all 'cause he forgot. So I ate dinenr and got suckered into watching a movie which was more funny to my parents than myself. First chance i got i left and called nathan and helped him with his paper and such before going to sleep.

So here it is Sunday, and I was suppose to clean my room yesterday, Do I'm not allowed to do anything until my room is clean. Yey. Jerks should all die.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:51 AM:-

Jerk

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:04 PM:-

Posty, Posty

So I assume I should be posting.

I dyed my hair /again/. Tis interesting. I'll probably dye it again in another couple months :p We'll see. I like dying my hair.

S'anyway . . . I'm on the verge of failing a couple of my classes because I was in TAKS for a week and came back and got work piled up on me along with still doing regualr work in class and it was like "OH GOD WHHHY?" x.X

So if I fail and end up not graduating this summer than you'll know why 0_o.

On the good side, if I passed all of TAKS then I don't have to come to school while the juniors take their TAKS tests in the spring? Fun.

I'm talking to Nathan right now, I miss him. *sob* I dunno what to say. It's just like this empty feeling of not having your best friend there anymore and it's like...you reach out and you end up hugging some stranger and they're like "hi?" and you look and jump back like "HOLYFREAKINCRAP" and then your like "IKILLZYOU!.........IKILLZYOUGOOD!" and then you beat them with a dead bunny.

Somehow I wish that'd really happen.

So

Lets take a deep walk inside the Amy's life. What has she been doing lately? What good thigns ahve come her way? What bad things have sprouted their ugly heads? You don't care, but I mine as well take up blog space, correct?

Really, all I do all day is sit . . . sit stare at an empty computer clicking away at blogs going "NOBODYPOSTSYOUALLSUCK" or I'm dancing like a mad-man to music. I suppose I could be more productive, but I really like my dancing. ...really. I'm liek addicted to music. Addicted like DRUGS. And then once I start listneing . . . I can't do anything else. Homework? Psssaaawww...MUSIC! Read the bible? ....but...the...music!

Folks, I have a problem.

Lets look at the good things that have gone on so far this week . . . I'm less numb to the world? Maybe just a little, but I seem to be able to enjoy myself more. My world doens't seem liek a wasteless ball of goo. And I dyed my hair . . . that was cool. Bush won the election. That's cool. It's cold outside. That's cool/cold. I'm alive. ........that's debatable.

And then the uglyness. I never seem to get enough sleep. Perhaps I hurt a "friend"'s feeling yesterday, but it's not like she cares about MY feelings anyway, and hasn't for a long time. jerks. Nathan's still not going to be down for another couple of weeks. My room is a mess. My parents are never happy people...which makes me unhappy.


Ending with a good note that I just remembered . . . I watched Donnie dArko a few days ago and I loved it.

-over-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:13 PM:-

BARAKA

BARAKA lives! I'm only on the 3rd strip, but that's 3 above 0.

For those who are lost: I've been planning to make a webcomic since last year. I had my characters and basic plot planned out, but I doubted my ability to draw it as a comic. i'm pretty happy with the two I have completed now. (Though this 3rd one i'm working on has proven to be a challenge). You probably shouldn't expect to see the finnished productes until after I have at LEAST 5 done. Because I refuse to publish them until I knopw this is going to be a continuing thing.

I realize this is a commitment, a commitment to keep the comics going in a timly mannor, a commitment to make the comics interesting, a commitment to keep people reading.

ALSO, unlike originally had been planned a long time ago, I am NOT going to be working on a team on this. Nathan insists on being my grammer/spelling editor, but I'll ask him for things if I need him.

My art isn't perfect, but I'm hoping I'll improve over time.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:59 PM:-