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Monday, August 30, 2004::

Of Home and Happiness

Sometimes it's a WONDER how I handle my home. My parents ahve created us a home that is by far less than comfortable. And I'm ntot alking about the furnature. Perhaps I obtained my random acts of harshness, selfishness, munipulation, depression, and cynicallness all from them. I don't think it very usual that I admit these qualities in myself..to regular people anyhow. But the more I look at it, the more I find the truth in it.
How am I suppose to grow up any different tham my own parents? ...from observation? ...of other families? From observasion I can tell you that not too many parents are much better than mine. And the ones that are very much better than mine I have a hard time not trying to find fault in them. Relating them to myself. Isn't that the way the ego works? either that or I spend so much time wishing that they, instead of mine, were my parents that when I return home, i find it completely overwhelming.
I know my mind wasn't designed to be in this household. But then why, if not, am I becoming the same as them? Then wouldn't becoming the same as my own parents, suffer my own possible kids through the same acts of torture?

I don't want my child to be raised by anyone like my parents. My parents think they're good parents, you know, cause their kids aren't out killing people and have morals. But who gave them those morals? Certainly they did play a factor in that from an early age. You know, things like "don't get a tatto or your going to hell!", and "If you smoke or do drugs I'm kicking your @$$!". Their morals were taught through fear. And though I understood what not to do, maybe I didn't quite know why not to. My reasons I figured out on my own (Before becoming a true Christian are thus:)

"Tattos are bad because they violate they temple of God."

"Drugs are bad because I don't want to end up like my mom, who's husband (my dad) screams at her every night about it, and every morning about it. (smoking cigarettes that is) I don't want to be like that."

Truthfully you can never gain a man's respect through fear...

Dinner

Dinner time, it's the time the family can get together and eat a meal. A time where the fmaily can relax, enjoy, and discuss their days with their family.

Not mine however, in which I've always seemed to dred diner time, because it was a time of stress and antagomy. My mom would be in the kitchen making a fuss about the dirty kitchen, and how no one ever helps her, and how she has to do everything for us. She would have to make a meal, at the request, no, DEMAND of my dad.

My dad would storm through the door loudly, most of the time it was expected of him to gripe about dinner not being ready for HIM (note the HIMSELF). He would instantly go back into his room where my mom would either make a sour face, grumble as he leaves or slam something down. (I am very sensitive to also non-verbal negativity).

She'd call us in for a meal in which I could comsume very fast and head away from the family. I had no desire to be around them.

Of course this is not the case anymore, somehow, now I find dinner time more stressful now that my mom is at work and unable to eat dinner with us.
IT's certainly not the fact that I have to do more work . . . hwoever the same principals go when someone (my dad) is screaming at you "Look what you didn't do! How can I work with this? I don't ask that muchf rom you and you do NOTHING!" basically telling us, blahblahblah, we're stupid and no good.

My most common response to this is to block it out, becuase if I didn't I wouldn probably become very upset and say some things I'd regret later. (not because of what I said, just because my dad can't EVER be wrong about ANYTHING...EVER.)



Yeah they're such great parents. Parents nurture their children. Children can be very sensitive and not understand why parents are grumpy and hostile. Children can come to think that it's their fault, ro that they're not important. Because after all, the parents are taking their troubles out in the non-important area of their brain where it should be settled.

Exmaple would be of my little sister, made a, in her words "beautiful picture" for my dad. Of course I knew when she was going to show him while he was cooking dinner that it wasn't a good idea. But I was too late. I thought perhaps..."who can resist the pure innocense and the words that she created you a beautiful picture?" well, we're about to find out.
my dad took one look at the picture and screamed at her to Get out of the kitchen and go eat her food, he's busy. Too busy to look at the picture and say a small generious compliment? What has America's parents come to?
Such selfishness of our own problems that we would not give our entire lives to our children? Are we more improtant than our children? Think about that.

I can recall the times where I've awakened in the middle of the night to the sounds of yelling, scrmeaing, hollering. USuakky I would become very upset and cry. Eventually I would become numb to their arguements. And it seems that the late night arguements begn to disapear...or I began to not awaken from them at all.
Or the early morning arguements before my dad would leave for work. That's a great way to start off the day.

A nice warm glass of hate in the morning is just what you need!


Or how about the times where I've not yet gone to sleep, but ahve heard their yellings, and have tried to listen through the creck of the door. Sometimes witnessing flying objects.

Or when I was 6 and I woke up to walk into a destroyed living room. My dad had litterally flipped everything in the entire room. Including the coutch. My mom was sitting on a box crying. What are you suppose to do when someone's crying? I know people hugigng me just made my crying worse. So I wouldn't hug my mom. I would pretend I didn't see.

When my parents used to fight, I used to run away to the bathroom and lock myself inside. Sometimes I would stay in there well over an hour. A few times I would grab the radio and turn it up to Christian msuic really loud. Trying SOMEHOW to non-verbally get them to know their argueing and constantly negativity hurt me, affected me, what about me?

Sometimes I would bring the topic up, once I got older. they would scoff at me, What about you?? This has nothing to do with you! However on the CONTRARY...EVERYTHING you do has to dow ith your child, how you react to eachother, how you love eachother, what you say about eachtoher, EVERTHING effect your child, EVERYTHING, and to say that their lives have nothing to do with yours is complete and utter bullshit that I am sick and tired of hearing!

But how am I suppose to be better than them? Afterall, they're the only influence in my personality I've known. This to me seems a challange that is too big for my soul, though maybe not bigger than my Spirit-Man. Perhaps I shall exersize.

I apologise for the extreamly long rant. Anyone who proabbly finnished that and understood is probably crazy.

Further mroe I am sick of my house, and the more I become aware of the negative actions of my aprents the lesss I can tolerate it. Maybe that's just growing up.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:01 PM:-

Of Critics and Men

Is it just me or do you find it REALLY annoying when people are being really critical over stupid stuff all the time? Like my dad, everytime they play a commercial he's always like "what idiots" or "stupid-they should have done [insert something here]" or "what was the poiunt of even doing that then?"
and I'm thinking "Holy Freaking crap, it's just a commercial! They're being stupid becuase it's FUNNY, your not suppose to take it SERIOSLY"

Guh. like you know the commercial where the guy is at this one place drinking a brownie shake thing and he's talking funny and then it has a flash back to where he was licking the electronic mixer out of the brownie batter and he accidenally hits the power button and he's screaming 'cause his tounge is stuck in it? and then it goes back and he says that this is a much safer way to eat brownies?

I know it sounds really stupid in typed form. but it's just something kinda funny to advertise their products, your not suppose to be logical about it. Too much logic is stupid.

So my dad was all like, "He's just going to stop eating brownies just because he got his tounge stuck in the blender??"

And soemtimes I just have enough of it and i say suttle things like "it's just a commercial", "it's suppose to be funny", and things like that.

So today he basically did the same thing except to another commercial and i was like "It's just a commercial!"

dad: "I know!"
me: "Stop being so critical!"

then he told em that I was critical,
and i asking him "of what?"
and he told me of everything that he says about commericals, and I was like "I'm nto being critical, it's just you saying thigns liek that kinda takes the fun out of it"
then he was like "But they're just so stupid!"
me: "And stupid is soemtimes funny!"



Guhgh! Parents!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 6:13 PM:-

Of Nathans and Blogs

Nathan is leaving for LeTourneau University tomorrow. He's all grown up now *sniff* :(

He doesn't have me to "gently" force him to do his homework or shave :p

But we can all keep up with Nathan and his LeTourneau experiences at http://echodyne.blogspot.com/

He promises to blog every other day once he gets his blog set up. He can tell us about his room mate, college life, his studies and other random bouts.

We love Nathan, and we all know he'll do great!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:53 PM:-

Of Frustration and [more] Scheduals

I'm really tired right now, so I'll keep this short.

Well , I went into the councelor today with my mom and we worked up my schedual for Early Graduation ( I know, everyone's tired of me talking about it), So if i had gotten all my credits this year plus Government and Economics, then I would only need and English and a math.

Problem was, they said the math courses at the collge would be too hard for me, and the only way for me to get my math credit in a year is to take Alg2/Math Models. Daily Math, basically, for people who are really terrible at math. So I lost my off period to math. And because there were limited places to put me, I had to have everything switched around again. Geh.

So in the sumemr I will take English 4, the only problem being . . . I still would need one more credit. My councelor suggested to me Theater at the college, because i can get a full class credit just from working on one play.

So I have the same math teacher, just every day.
My Chemestry teacher has changed for the 3rd time, now i have mrs. Gisler (i think that was her name..)
My history teacehr changed, which sucked, becuase I liked Coach Lynch's class. I have no idea how I'm going to like it now.

So I have

A day:

-SAT/ACT Prep.
-US Government
-Alg2/Math Models
-Anatomy & Phisiology
-US History

B-day:

-SAT/ACT Prep.
-English 3 AP
-Alg2/Math Models
-Health Science Tech
-Chemestry


Intense.


I need a job this summer.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:04 PM:-

Of Best Friends and Sceduals

So, I'm still really frustrated right now. Doens't it just *REALLY* suck when you finally realize your best [female] friend isn't even your best friend anymore? Like you fought really hard but all ti does it fail fail fail because she has another best guy friend who hates her best female friend, and doens't want to "hurt anyone's feelings" so she can just hurt both of us. Yeah, that's right. So, i'm just extreamly tired of it. I'm tired of coming in second to a jerk-face. I don't demand all of her time, do i? I don't demand much at all. But I need a little more from a relation ship then "yeah, i know he's a jerk, but he does things for me, and he protects me, so i'll give up all my friends and their feelings and my own personal independance just for him. aww"

She doesn't call me, but heaven forbid, i'm afraid if i ever call her her boyfriend would track me down and kill me just for making her unavailable to him for 8 minutes. Oh dear God.

...

So I got a schedual change today. I am NOW in regular Chemestry for Mr. Weaver, which means I'm in Kelsi's class. cool. That class was already really packed.
Also i'm taking Government in A1 now and I have Mrs. Feller. I have no idea if she's good or not. So my new schedual starts tomorrow. Nice.

Judgement

There is a particular couple of people at nathans house that make me extreamly uncomfortable. No fofense but it really makes me angry and upset and confused and I constantly feel like i'm being judged. I hate it. At least I'll be glad that when Nathan leaves I won't have to see THEM for a long time. (or one of them ever again, probably)

Man, I suck.

Guh.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:43 PM:-

Of Death and Pain

I'm extreamly frustrated right now, I just...i don't know. I just feel so stupid soemtimes. I just feel like everyone hates me some days (besides nathan, who, oddly, won't hate me)

Somedays it's just the fine lines that keep me from killing myself.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:45 PM:-

You Know How It Is

Which cult classic badass are you? by rook901
Name/Username
Sex	YesNoUndecided
Favorite Eating Utensil
You are:
Quiz created with MemeGen!

At your ten year high school reunion... by robbiewriter
Your school name
Your name
Your job will be	President of a small country
You will be worth	$513,667
Everyone will think you	gained 50 lbs
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Man, not only will I have my own country but I'd have gone up to a normal weight. Man, I'm cool.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:50 AM:-

Like, Ow.

I swear, I've had so many head injuries lately it's not even funny, or is it? My dog has like bitten me in the head like multiple times leaving bruising, a kid fell on my face at church smashing not only the back of my head but my nose, and nathan says i hit my head some other time too, but I don't remember it. Anyways, so today I hit my elbow twice. What's up with that? Then I poked my nose, now I have a headache. Rawr.

Onward to the Future!

So on my offperiod today, I didn't really have anything to do but sit in the library (due to my lack of transportation), so I went over to say hi to Mrs. Phillips (Nathan's aunt who's also the college councelor), we talked a lot. And I think I'm deciding to graduate early...really. I could easlily do it, it's just a matter of deciding if I REALLY want to. I think I do, it's just kinda scarey to think about taking all those courses. Anyway, I'll probably talk to her on Monday about it, if I can.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:08 PM:-

Happy Birthday my Precious Nathan. Today you are 20 years-old.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:56 PM:-

Mostly Worthless Stuff

Okay, so I realy suck at math. But onto other, more greater things.

My "0" hour class, i could say, is at a horrible 'o-clock int he morning (7am), however, last year i spent half the year riding the bus to school and getting to school at about 7am. Soo, yeah. Unfortunately that class is an everyday class. ouch.

On a good note, my SAT teacher is pretty funny. He's young, drinks a lot of coffee, and bounces around a lot. lol, it's pretty funny. He seems like a nice guy.

Tomorrow is Nathan's birthday! He's now going to be 20. :o Wow, he's old. haha

well...it's a lil while later, and my dad never fails to make me feel bad at least once a day. I hate my house.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:17 PM:-

Announcement

I get baptized tomorrow, at the Family Life Church. I've never been baptized before, I've been holding it off because I didn't really know what to do.

Well, we'll meet up there at 10am tomorrow and it'll take place between 10am and 11am. So if anyone wants to come, I guess I don't mind? lol

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:50 PM:-

Ok...so this was the second day of school.

My first period class was English 3 AP and it was FILLED with all these people that I know-it was AWESOME. The teacher seems pretty greate too. Lets see...I have Kelsi, Jenny, Ross, Matt and...and...is that all? I know there's got to be more...anyways. We did get an assignment from her, the assignment is kinda difficult for me, being that i don't like being bound to writing a certain way. But alas is life! I'll get ti done, i already wrote a bit of it in my OOOOFF PERIOD! heh heh.

So that period ended and I was off to Chemestry PAP! D'Mari and Haley were in my class, but besides them, the rest of the people were all sophmores... (With the exception of Dylan who's a senior?) hmm. Anyway, so I didn't find the teachers accent hard to understand. Of course, hopefully that won't change when she's talking about non-usual things like chemestry words...

Then next there was the big confusion of what lunch I had because I was taking Health Science Tech 1 over at Bport. They SAID we had A lunch but the bus left at 11:45 and lunch starts at like 11:37. So me and DD ate on the bus. I liked the bus ride there, I even thought the large bump that made our stomaches go into our esophagous' was funny. SOOOO, they basically just dumped us off at the school and we had NO IDEA where our class room was, or even where the office was. So we wandered right into the middle of B-port students eating lunch.
The girl in front of me accidentally brushed another girl's shoe and the girl threatened to (instert blasphemies here), basically she threatened to beat thr crap out of her. We finally found a teacher who told us we would be having class in the LIBRARY today, so we went to the library and found our teacher. I liked her a lot, even thought a lot of peopel were being really rude. Anyways it was an interesting experience and lots of things happened and stuff, i'd be happy to talk to people about if they care.

Then we got back...4th period had already started, but I didn't have a 4th period so i walked everyone to their class then went to the Library and Sara was there. I sat down and tried to write part of my poem assignment for english but then i gave up and said hi to Sara, then went to find my locker, then went and visited Sara again, then she left, then she came back, then we walked around until school was out, i got on my bus and went home.

Wee.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 4:42 PM:-

The First Day of School

Ok...so let me try to get this all straight.

A-day

Class	Teacher
SAT/ACT Prep	Troy Day
Interior Design	Kim Hinds
US History	Randy Lynch
Anatomy & Physiology	Jeanene Hudec
Algebra 2	Susan Reid

B-day

Class	Teacher
English 3 AP LA	Susan Hensen
Chemestry PAP	Sirjana Bindlish
Health Science Tech 1	Linda Runnels
Off Period	N/A

The Official Verdict for School is "Meh."

From what I can tell...

Interior Design is a really interesting class. Except this one girl at my group just sits there the entire time and talks about how she's the best one at the school in track and how she didn't even want to be in the class.

US History seems pretty tolerable. Maybe if I just keep quiet and do my work. He said he didn't like giving out homework. So...yeah.

I had A lunch today. Pretty nice. A lot of people I know eat A lunch that day...

Then I had Anatomy & Physiology after that. A little more...filled with people than i expected. Annoying people...obnoxious people. Most of them being seniors, saddly. I just sat quietly by myself the entire time, even though I knew a couple people I was too shy to talk to them. And we have to study for a quiz over Latin and Greek POrefixes. she gave us a list of like 160,00 words, ya know? but we're only testing over 20 of them. ...on Monday. hmmm...

Disecting dead things...hm....cool.

Algebra 2 was...very saddly, around what I expected, maybe worse. It was EXACTLY the same as last year. It's basically a room filled with idiotic people...and the teacher who has all the regulations and talks and talk and...it was the first day of school and I was already falling asleep...That class I will be having much problems with.

You know when I kinda forced my brain into a memory lapse and I deleted like basically all my memories from like all last year? Appearently it took a lot of school work with it. like adding/subtracting/multiplying/dividing Integers. That's really sad.


So that's it for all the classes I've been to yet..

SAT/ACT Prep is my "0" hour class...I have it on "A-days" even though my off period is on B-days. So I'll be taking 5 classes on A days and 3 classes on B-days

And apearnetly Health Science Tech 1 is at B-port....interesting.


Once again. First day of school and I'm already bummed out.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:32 PM:-

The Burn

I burnt my finger. School starts tomorrow. Aha.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:01 PM:-

I love my Nathan >.<

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:56 PM:-

Whispers in the Rain Lying Awake

I'm feeling really bad right now, havn't had one of those days in a while. School starts in 5 days. Wow.

I'm kind of scared. This is going to be my first year without Nathan there for support. He won't be there at all. He'll be 5 hours away from me, and he'll only be able to see me every 3 weeks. I'm quite sure I'm going to cry on the phone to him every night.

I'm also quite sure that if I get a fold out table I will pass all my classes. And if I don't get involved with friends I won't fail either. Geez, I'm stupid. Anyway.

The plan for this year? Work my tail off. Seriously, it's soemthing I've never done before. But everything else about me has changed, so why not that too?

Crazy.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:34 AM:-

Into the Dark Juliana Theory

dad your boy's about to fall
he walks on razors edge
he's on the brink of fading out
he's at his bitter end

dad your boy who used to run
you taught him how to crawl
he left home to find his own
now all he has is gone

in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells
i'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it
lets walk away from this hell

mom your baby's on his way
he'll soon be at your side
'cause he's forgotten all he's known
A part of him has died
mom may never understand
why baby's come and gone
he left home to find his own
now all he has is lies

in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells
i'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it
lets walk away from this hell

in your eyes...
in your eyes...
in your eyes...
in your eyes...

in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells
i'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it
lets walk away from this hell

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:38 PM:-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 3:40 PM:-

So

Today I cleaned the house and washed lots of clothes, fed the dog, cooked dinner (Actually cooked), washed the child, and am now spending my remaing minutes before i make myself go to bed hanging up clothes. Independance is...well, it get's boring but for the most part it's kinda fun.

Anyways, I'll be scaring a little child into bed in a minute so I guess this is the end of my blog post.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 8:39 PM:-