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Monday, August 30, 2004::

Of Home and Happiness

Sometimes it's a WONDER how I handle my home. My parents ahve created us a home that is by far less than comfortable. And I'm ntot alking about the furnature. Perhaps I obtained my random acts of harshness, selfishness, munipulation, depression, and cynicallness all from them. I don't think it very usual that I admit these qualities in myself..to regular people anyhow. But the more I look at it, the more I find the truth in it.
How am I suppose to grow up any different tham my own parents? ...from observation? ...of other families? From observasion I can tell you that not too many parents are much better than mine. And the ones that are very much better than mine I have a hard time not trying to find fault in them. Relating them to myself. Isn't that the way the ego works? either that or I spend so much time wishing that they, instead of mine, were my parents that when I return home, i find it completely overwhelming.
I know my mind wasn't designed to be in this household. But then why, if not, am I becoming the same as them? Then wouldn't becoming the same as my own parents, suffer my own possible kids through the same acts of torture?

I don't want my child to be raised by anyone like my parents. My parents think they're good parents, you know, cause their kids aren't out killing people and have morals. But who gave them those morals? Certainly they did play a factor in that from an early age. You know, things like "don't get a tatto or your going to hell!", and "If you smoke or do drugs I'm kicking your @$$!". Their morals were taught through fear. And though I understood what not to do, maybe I didn't quite know why not to. My reasons I figured out on my own (Before becoming a true Christian are thus:)

"Tattos are bad because they violate they temple of God."

"Drugs are bad because I don't want to end up like my mom, who's husband (my dad) screams at her every night about it, and every morning about it. (smoking cigarettes that is) I don't want to be like that."

Truthfully you can never gain a man's respect through fear...

Dinner

Dinner time, it's the time the family can get together and eat a meal. A time where the fmaily can relax, enjoy, and discuss their days with their family.

Not mine however, in which I've always seemed to dred diner time, because it was a time of stress and antagomy. My mom would be in the kitchen making a fuss about the dirty kitchen, and how no one ever helps her, and how she has to do everything for us. She would have to make a meal, at the request, no, DEMAND of my dad.

My dad would storm through the door loudly, most of the time it was expected of him to gripe about dinner not being ready for HIM (note the HIMSELF). He would instantly go back into his room where my mom would either make a sour face, grumble as he leaves or slam something down. (I am very sensitive to also non-verbal negativity).

She'd call us in for a meal in which I could comsume very fast and head away from the family. I had no desire to be around them.

Of course this is not the case anymore, somehow, now I find dinner time more stressful now that my mom is at work and unable to eat dinner with us.
IT's certainly not the fact that I have to do more work . . . hwoever the same principals go when someone (my dad) is screaming at you "Look what you didn't do! How can I work with this? I don't ask that muchf rom you and you do NOTHING!" basically telling us, blahblahblah, we're stupid and no good.

My most common response to this is to block it out, becuase if I didn't I wouldn probably become very upset and say some things I'd regret later. (not because of what I said, just because my dad can't EVER be wrong about ANYTHING...EVER.)



Yeah they're such great parents. Parents nurture their children. Children can be very sensitive and not understand why parents are grumpy and hostile. Children can come to think that it's their fault, ro that they're not important. Because after all, the parents are taking their troubles out in the non-important area of their brain where it should be settled.

Exmaple would be of my little sister, made a, in her words "beautiful picture" for my dad. Of course I knew when she was going to show him while he was cooking dinner that it wasn't a good idea. But I was too late. I thought perhaps..."who can resist the pure innocense and the words that she created you a beautiful picture?" well, we're about to find out.
my dad took one look at the picture and screamed at her to Get out of the kitchen and go eat her food, he's busy. Too busy to look at the picture and say a small generious compliment? What has America's parents come to?
Such selfishness of our own problems that we would not give our entire lives to our children? Are we more improtant than our children? Think about that.

I can recall the times where I've awakened in the middle of the night to the sounds of yelling, scrmeaing, hollering. USuakky I would become very upset and cry. Eventually I would become numb to their arguements. And it seems that the late night arguements begn to disapear...or I began to not awaken from them at all.
Or the early morning arguements before my dad would leave for work. That's a great way to start off the day.

A nice warm glass of hate in the morning is just what you need!


Or how about the times where I've not yet gone to sleep, but ahve heard their yellings, and have tried to listen through the creck of the door. Sometimes witnessing flying objects.

Or when I was 6 and I woke up to walk into a destroyed living room. My dad had litterally flipped everything in the entire room. Including the coutch. My mom was sitting on a box crying. What are you suppose to do when someone's crying? I know people hugigng me just made my crying worse. So I wouldn't hug my mom. I would pretend I didn't see.

When my parents used to fight, I used to run away to the bathroom and lock myself inside. Sometimes I would stay in there well over an hour. A few times I would grab the radio and turn it up to Christian msuic really loud. Trying SOMEHOW to non-verbally get them to know their argueing and constantly negativity hurt me, affected me, what about me?

Sometimes I would bring the topic up, once I got older. they would scoff at me, What about you?? This has nothing to do with you! However on the CONTRARY...EVERYTHING you do has to dow ith your child, how you react to eachother, how you love eachother, what you say about eachtoher, EVERTHING effect your child, EVERYTHING, and to say that their lives have nothing to do with yours is complete and utter bullshit that I am sick and tired of hearing!

But how am I suppose to be better than them? Afterall, they're the only influence in my personality I've known. This to me seems a challange that is too big for my soul, though maybe not bigger than my Spirit-Man. Perhaps I shall exersize.

I apologise for the extreamly long rant. Anyone who proabbly finnished that and understood is probably crazy.

Further mroe I am sick of my house, and the more I become aware of the negative actions of my aprents the lesss I can tolerate it. Maybe that's just growing up.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:01 PM:-