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Saturday, May 28, 2005::

We All Struggle with Forward Motion

I am out of highschool! I'm surprizingly not feeling any remorse. Project Graduation last night was better than I thought it would be, I got $31 from the money machine thing. ^_^! Amy had lots of money down her shirt. Funny stuff. They had a lot of cool fun things to do that I didn't do. lol. Mostly because I'm small and uncordinated and easily defeated ^_^. They gave everyone disposable camras, ti was really nice. It was very smart of them to call your parents when you left the place, though annoying. I went to sleep around 2:15 becuase I was exhausted.

Currently I have $61, I think i'll buy some converse of a differrent color, a messenger bag and then whatever else I feel like.

So Tuesday I'll get my first taste of real college class, and I'm sure I'll be doing homework a lot since it's a condensed class. So here's my schedual for the rest of the summer:

My class is every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. (Except this next Monday for Memorial Day).

Monday-Thursday Rise and Shine: 9:00am (breakfast?) English Class: 11:20am-1:00pm !Lunch!: 1:00-2:00pm Study Time: 2:00pm-4:30 (fluxuates) Fun Time: 4:30-until I have to go home.

Friday-Sunday (with the exception that Sundays cut things for my church schedual) Rise and Shine: 10:00am (breakfast?) !Lunch!: 12:00-2:00pm Study Time: 2:00-3:00(fluxuates) Fun Time: 3:00pm- until I have to go home.

"Forward Motion"-Relient K
Cause I struggle with foward motion
I struggle with foward motion
We all struggle with foward motion
Cause foward motion is harder than it sounds
Well every time I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again
Its harder than it sounds
Well every time I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:58 PM:-

A New Beginning

Graduation is an awesome event, and everyone at church was incredible today. It would seem immature to complain about anything that occured, but I feel that for my own documentary I should tell it as it came to me.

I know I was really teary the entire time, I blame myself being an emotional person in general. I cry a lot, and I hate it. If you don't like it, deal with it. However, I would never have been so weepy if my day hadn't began so terribly. This was the first time I'd ever gotten my parents to come to a service, seriously. And from the moment I was awake they were thrusting all their frustration in my face. Honestly, if my parents could have avoided going at all, they would have. Not to sound self-absorbed but this day really was for me, and for all the other Graduates of '05. I felt bad enough because since the beginning of this year, everyone's pretty much let me know that I deserved everything less than the other graduates because I was graduating early. But my parents made this entire thing to be about them. Both of my parents were so concerned about the way they looked. My mom couldn't find any of her clothes and was literally throwing things around like a little girl having a tantrum after having locked herself in the bathroom and blamed it all on me as if I was the reason she couldn't find her clothes. I felt dis-contented, but even though I was highly hurt, I calmly searched around my parents room and layed out some clothes on the bed for her. I wanted anything to tell her I didn't care how they looked. I was proud of them anyways. I just wanted them to be there, I just wanted everyone to be happy. I finnished getting ready besides brushing my teeth and when i went to do so my mom was still angry at me, blaming me for her clothes not matching, yelling at me to hurry up because we had to go. I couldn't help but get upset. Even when I was upset, she didn't care, nor stop blaming me for things. She blamed me for her not having eaten breakfast yet. I just never said anything, I just took it all. I was teary about all of it though, and the thought about me crying in front of all those people made me even more teary, i tried to compose myself before i walked into the church, but composing myself never works for very long. I was kind of glad I got to sit away from them at church. I cried a few more times, and tried to hide it, I tried being relieved by Pastor CRaigs humor, which helped a great amount. I love Pastor Craig, I'm pretty sure he's my favorite person alive. And knowing my social-anxiety I cried after I gave me short speech-type thing where i said my name, where i graduated from and where i was going, I just kinda said it on the spot, no emotional preperation or word preperation or anything. Not that I needed it, I mean, I should know my own name and stuff right? When we got to our table after the service there was a card on there addressed to me, It was a graduation card with $20 in it signed from tha Aldrich's, I was very flattered that they even remembered me. The food was great, Becca picked at it, as expected. I just kind of admired everyone's involvement in making it a special event. Pastor Craig came up to me and complimentewd me on what I had said on stage, I didn't really feel like I deserved it, and since I was still kind of a emotional mess I started crying again. Great, I didn't want to cry, I wanted anything just to look at him and not cry. I opened the present given to everyone who was graduated from the church and it was a CD specifically to the Class of 2005 and also $20. I'm too moved to spend this money on anything petty. >.> I was nervous about the speeches that someone had to make in my honor, I didn't know what my dad had planned, or if he even had anything prepared...and, with my luck, my dad ended up having to say his speech first. It was short and simple and sweet, and I felt kind of emotional about it becuase it was kinda like a tender moment type thing. I probably would have been more emotional if he'd really REALLY meant the words he said. But I know he just kinda said that, maybe he felt that a little bit, but mostly it was just for show. All the other stories were amazing, I think my dad felt kinda bad about that, but I never wanted his speech to be amazing, only non-embarassing. Everyone's stories were compelling and funny and heart-breaking, which just made me love everyone so much more. We took some group pictures. Afterwards ther was to be family photos, free of charge and just for us, my parents didn't even want to stay, they wanted to leave. As are my parents, I guess I coudln't ever expect my parents to change. I let Nathan take me home for several reasons, I had left my bible in the sactuary, also I knew if I'd went with my parents I would have to hear every single complaint from them about how they weren't given enough notice about the baquet (a weeks notice) and every little thing they didn't like about the service, and how they didn't like people and how they were ashamed to come out in public. Too ashamed of themselves to support me; that's how I see it. I just kinda cried to Nathan for a while, he's awesome at listening to me, I just had to get it all out. Nathan was even shocked how they didn't even want to stay.

Is it foolish to say that I can't wait to live in a dorm by myself?

Did I come off as such an emotional loser that I am to everyone?

I wish I was 3 years older, and that I'd grow up knowing all the awesome people of 1984-1985, being friends with them. But I'm not. So I should stop wishing.

Well, I'm friends with Nathan. He's my support, even though I'm not cool or known at church or school I will always have him.

Thanks guys.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:01 PM:-

Siragail

In a crater, fallen fast,
Fallen apart,
A city in the dusty ruins.
Siragail, who never swore upon the heads of the meaningless,
Battle fought, this war-torn extension of anything,
Not like anything before.
Watching the ground,
These men of lies and these children of complex-redemptions, of anything.
They're like everything before.
Siragail, lightning strikes above your head,
Looking out unto the night sky, lights up the dead.
They are fallen. They are fallen,
But Siragail stands above the rest,
Even in the darkest of the dust storms,
She's everything,
Not like everything before.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:53 AM:-

Always Fun

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

Your Birthdate: October 22

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings. You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion. Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings. Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma. An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail. You are very aware and intuitive. You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Your Mexican Name Is...

Doña Rosa

What's your Mexican Name?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Toki Aburakoji

What's your Japanese Name?

You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

You Are 17 Years Old

17 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

...creepy...o_o





>

Your Geek Profile:

Fashion Geekiness: Highest

Gamer Geekiness: Highest

Internet Geekiness: Moderate

SciFi Geekiness: Moderate

Music Geekiness: Low

Academic Geekiness: None

Geekiness in Love: None

General Geekiness: None

Movie Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

You Are 10% Redneck

I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style. You ain't no redneck - you're all Yankee!

How Redneck Are You?

You Are A Maple Tree

There's not anyone in this world quite like you. You are full of imagination, ambition, and originality. Shy but confident, you hunger for new experiences. You have a good memory and learn easily. You are sometimes nervous and always complex (especially in love).

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How scary are you?

You Are "Tearful"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy. You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Gift Are You?

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Kinda looks like me.

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

Ok, i'm done.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:22 PM:-

I have an Anatomy Practical today *Scared*

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 7:10 AM:-

Write-Brained.

This post is about my writing style, frame of mind, and other thoughts toowards my writing and writing in general:

So, I just finnished another piece this morning titled Underworld II: Dreams of Hades.

I tend to have large gaps between the pieces I write. usually at LEAST a month apart. In this case, I hadn't posted a poem/lyrical in about two months. I usually start a piece and then lose it or scrap it. But when I get one going it is usually completed pretty quickly. This one wasn't completed so quickly, but none-the-less it was completed within a few days time, and I wasn't working on it most of the time. I also tend to write pieces and save it until I feel like posting it. I like for each piece to have it's time under the "Newest piece" so I can possibly get more comments and reviews over it. I enjoy what little I get.

I called Nathan this morning and told him to get online so he can review my piece. He said that he liked my piece, but it lacked in the 'cool' imagry which the first Underworld offered.

Underworld and Underworld II: Dreams of Hades are pretty much entirely different pieces, with the exception that they cover the same subject.

Underworld is a sharp free-stylistic sort of poem, where as Underworld II: Dreams of Hades is a lyrical. Underworld is told form the like-minds of all the mass of people in Hell, and Underworld II: Dreams of Hades is told from the prospective of a singl peerson. Expect a Underworld III sometime sin the future. Most likely it'll also be lyrical, but possibly not.

I realized that my writings pretty much consist of raw-emotion, rather than relying on spcific imagry. I tend to be more vauge than other writers, especially modern writers in genral.

Imagry that is often found in my pieces usually consist of light/dark imagry, using colors and shades and shadows to reflect emotions, time and sometimes a point. Such as found in: For Today, Gentiles, Lost for Words, Midnight In The Graveyard, Morbid Thoughts, Opposite of Death is, Shadows of the Lost Souls, Shady Dreams, Sounds in the Night, Still the Same, The Red Paint, Time Capsules, You've Come at Last and Your Statue.
I think perhaps becuase I find vision to be the most powerful of senses besides emotion and spiritual pullings themselves. I find action to the the most direct, and less though-provoking, therefore not as powerful for my writing. Powerful for moving forward in life, but because it's less thought-provoking it's too . . . easy to use, and not as artistic. Therefore, generally my movements tend to be vague or symbolic.
Also before movements I prefer to use sense of hearing and smell, because both are senses that leave a lasting emotion in our minds and hearts. The traumatic sounds of helpless screaming would send shivers up anyone spine. Ad smell reflects memory the easiest.


By the way, those of you who don't care or don't understand, this post is mostly for myself. But you can have fun reading my newest piece and review it please. I'll probably post this on my Myspace too..

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:12 PM:-

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:46 PM:-

Oook

So no one cares about the pictures. >.< Oh, well.


I'm sick of school. And humans. I'm definately never going to date ever again, I'm never going to marry. And I'm never going to have kids. Also, I am not going to go to college, or get a job. What I WILL do, however, is lay on the floor and die. Because it's easier. Nathan, tie my shoe >.<'.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:57 PM:-

Taking you back to 2002, Homecoming

I was searching through my giant CD case, looking for programs I needed to install onto my new computer when I ran across a CD/DVD filled with a ton of pictures from 2002 homecoming. Wow. This was a different time, and a different place. Me and D'Mari were best friends, I was dating Ross, and D'Mari was going to homecoming with Corey. I decided to eb nice and show you pictures as I poke fun at them . . .


So here I am...




Yep. So lets get started.




This is my best firend D'Mari




We're just hanging out...




And playing around . . .




I can't help but touch my hair.




Amy had the mum pinned on her dress




I almost forget we had dates!






Me just being...me




Ross, stop checking your watch




Is this thing over yet?




Aww...weren't we cute?




Good times

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:16 AM:-

Sometimes what feels right isn't always what is right.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:36 PM:-

Baby Xeer!

OMG! I got a new computer! I'm so on it right now! *loves it more than humans* His name is Baby Xeer. Yes, that's right, I named him. It's a dell, pentium 4, blahblahbla, it's really good! Lots of RAM, space, awesome graphics card, or it better be. And it's ALL MINE! AHAHAHAHA! Yeah, my other computer died, we revived it, but we've had to revive that computer SO many times so . . . yey. All I can say is yey. Now I need to gain my music back.

EDOT: Why did i blog this on the fat blog? Weird. Fixed now.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 6:51 AM:-

You Are a Sensitive Kisser For you, kissing is a way to connect And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy It may take you a while to kiss someone... But when you do, it's total fireworks What's Your Kissing Style? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

^_^

Men See You As Desirable Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

um...ok...o_0

You are 20% Flirt

How Much of a Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

ahaha. That high? wow.

Ugh...all these other tests are boring...

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:47 PM:-

Church Visitation

I've had a few shcoked faces when I informed everyone that I'm going to be visiting churches for a little while. "Why?!" was the general response. I'll make it clear that it's NOT because I don't like Family Life. I just felt tugged to do it. It's kind of like an educational experience. I think some people are afraid that I'm going to leave them for another church. I have no desire to leave them. But whereever God puts me is where I'll be, regardless of friends. I am not searching for a new "home". Here are my general rules for visiting churches:

- I will only visit churches on Sundays (unless I have no other choice). Wednesdays I will still be attending Family Life Church.
- I will only visit certain church that I have a RIDE for. Because I have no transportation of my own, and have no help from my parentals.
- After attending whatever church it may be for the first time, I'll report on it, how it made me feel, what I liked about it, funny stories and such. This is not to judge it nessisarily, I'm not going to bring any church down. But every church has a feel, and so... onward:

I'm going to tell you about the first time I attended Family Life Church and how it made me "feel":

Family Life Church
I remember the first time I went was because Ross invited me to go. I hadn't been to church in years, mostly because no one had ever invited me. When I came in it was dark in the youth room. I was a little bit late. I didn't really feel very welcome, it seemed like people were just glaring at me. Durring worhsip the music was nice, it wasn't like the hymes that we sang at the Baptist church from long ago. People were raising their hands in worship. Weird. But I was open minded, so besides thinking it was weird it didn't frighten me away. The preaching was energetic, and it was easy to pay attention to. (also note that this was a Wednesday service, whcih is different than a Sunday service)


Today I visited a church that's not my own:

Church of Christ
Amy Kemmerling invited me to come to her church as my first church visitation, I'd heard a lot about her church and it was on the list of the ones I really wanted to visit. Though, I knew it wasn't going to be much like my church. The class enviroment was...cozy. They had couches and comfy chairs around a room. I felt generally welcomed. No one gave me evil stares or seemed to judge me, so I felt pretty comfortable. Durring the main service the worship was only voices, as I was already expecting because I had alreayd been informed. It wasn't too odd, we did the same thing at the Baptist church. Still it was kinda hard for me to get used to hearing the off-keys from myself and the people behind me. For a moment I kinda felt a vibe like I'd gone back to puritan times, int he book "The Scarlet Letter". They asked if anyone was new in the church and if we raised our hands we would get a gift. Amykins told me to raise my hand. I kinda laughed and I asked Amy if it was food. And they came up to me and handed me a small loaf of bread. O_O HOLY COW. IT WAS FOOD! haha, I don't know about you...but I thought that was great.
Concluding notes: My little sister says she wants to go next time, for the mothers day thing. She also found out that one of her best friends goes to that church. So maybe we'll visit again next week.

-out-

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:56 PM:-