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Tuesday, September 27, 2005::

Soo..

Am I too causious in life? do I play everything too safe? Do I worry too much? Am I a goody-two-shoes? Do I ruin the fun? Am I like that? Does it matter? Is that good? is that bad?
I've got so many questions to ask myself. I'm in one of those self-evaluation periods i put myself in about every two months. Who do I want to be? Who am I instead? What am I drawn to? Can I allow myself to be drawn to it?

I'm drawn to the darkness . . . but I can't follow. So why does being so good make me feel so incomplete?

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 11:42 PM:-

REVACUATION!

Well, first things first, I'm home. The evacuation sucked big time. We didn't even end up getting any rain. And we were stuck in traffic for 24 hours. Gar. Actually . . . that's all I feel like typing. I'll detail it later.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 2:14 PM:-

Rita, Rita

Well, we're unpluggint he computers right now. Rita is suppose to be a catagory 5 at landfall, my dad's not expecting a house when we come back. I better get to keep my hardrive...

Where's my Bible...

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:42 PM:-

Uhh...

Uhh...my mom just pulled our vehicle into the front yard. Ok...whatever she wants. Anyway. Well like everyone else, I'm evacuating. I dunno, the thought of sitting in my wheelchair watching water rise around me doens't sound very fun. I don't even like normal thunderstorms. :p I'm not really worried about this. If it doens't hit us, fine . . . I get a vacation and I get to miss class. If it just hurts the house...well, i got a vacation and i got to miss class and we get to have new windows or something. And if my house is completely destroyed...new house! W00t! yeah............ (Well, except we don't have flood insurance. Aren't we stupid?)

I DON'T get tot ake my computer. Which sucks big time since I PAID for half of this computer. Egh. I've been packing stuff. I only get to take like 3-5 days worth of clothes. My make up, some pillows and stuff. As much as i'd like a new house I'd REALLY like to keep my computer. *sigh* At least I'll have my doggy.

*Evacuates to Nacogdoches* *Cell # is 299-9558, I'll be bored* *be back when i have a house*

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:35 PM:-

CRAPFACE

I just felt like saying that. I slept all day today. It was good . . . I think. I miss Nathan, I'm so pathetic. My mommy is making me coffee. I like coffee. mmm Coffeh! I don't know why I blog anymore. I've got nothing to say.

I'm now level 11 in Kingdom of Loathing. I rock.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 4:04 PM:-

*hums*

So I havn't posted in 6 days. Not like that really matters. I wonder why I feel such a dedication to this thing? I could never keep up with a journal as a child, if I started a journal now I would forget it within a month. So why have I poured out to this blog here for the past 2-3 years? Not only that, but the fact that most of it is so meaningless, or typed out of anger, frustration or depression makes it hard sometimes not to try to cover up things i've said a year ago that I'm ashamed of today.
Completely ignore this post
I'm looking at myself in the mirror right now and I must say that I am disapointed. I think perhaps that I am that one person you knew in highschool that was nice, but kind of annoying. The one you thought seemed a little too naive, or immature. A lower IQ with a low self esteem. Maybe that's what I am. Maybe I should just face the facts rather than say "no...I want them to see who I really am." But maybe that's who I really am. And maybe it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. I feel so stupid when I smile.
Attribute Complaining and other Immature and Possibly Uncomfortable Stuff
Today I looked like I havn't even tried. My hair is in a mess with a baggy shirt on and some glasses that make me look like a librarian. Honestly I don't know why I'm typing this . . . because the only thing this can bring is pity and an attempt at some reassuring comments that will make me happy for about three seconds before I disbelieve them. I'll never believe them, maybe. Ha, I argue with Nathan about it all the time. I shouldn't argue about why a guy likes me, should I? Even if he has some odd tastes. Maybe I'm just sad by the fact that it would take odd tastes to like me. A girl I would think would make a guys jaw drop is "ugly" to him. "too much make up", "her chin is too big", "she has that fake tan", "her nose is ugly". and I'm thinking "WHAT?". He's so specific, and I think "Guys aren't this specific are they?". Because it seems like most guys turn their heads to about the same thing. Perhaps I'm wrong. I can't exactly see how in HIS mind, somehow, my attributes deem 'perfect' in his eyes, when I can find so many that I think are so much better than anything I am. Of course, Nathan has a certain distinct taste for gothic chicks. Pale with dark hair and black clothing and a choker. It's certainly been a long time since I've worn all black clothing and my choker though . . . But I think he still has hope. o_O
I hope you realize that I am rambeling with no point or organization, right? Good. And really if you've read this far, I'm probably embarassed. Then why post it, you say? Because I want to let out my thoughts in an uninhibiting way. Many of us just SEEM mature because no one knows what imature thoughts are in our heads. Maybe that's the basis of maturity (actually, not maybe I know it is and I've known for a long time) . . . its knowing what to say and what not to say. Great, I've known THAT my entire life. And now I can't keep my mouth shut. I always say stupid inaccureation things. I'm not smart. I don't have anything important to say. So I think I've decided to stop talking again. In person. Nathan is my vent but only because me and him have an understanding that I have with no one else. He won't judge me, and I won't judge him. I'm done rambling worthlessly with this thing.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:25 PM:-

33 Days

Guess where I am?? GUESS!. . . . I'm IN MY ROOM! Yes, I am sitting at my own computer desk in my own computer chair in my OWN ROOM with my CLOSET and my MUSIC and my JUNK. It's WONDERFUL. I havn't been in my roolm at all in 33 days. I think I'm going to try to sleep in my own bed tonight instead of on the couch. I'm curled up ina quilt that was given to me in the pediatrics wing at the hospital ^_^.

::sigh:: Another step toward normal. Another reason to keep going.
My sister had been using my computer and I'd been on my mom/sisters computer for the past 33 days. (besides ebing inb the hospital though). I think I'm going to go run a virus scan right now. ^_^

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:43 AM:-

I see with open eyes, but somehow I'm more dead than I'm alive

I need to admit that I have a problem . . . with depression. I...havn't known how to say anything before. I havn't had the words. I've been in denial. I've been sick of it. I don't think I even understood until now. I thought that I've never felt saddness because honestly i can't ever remember a time looking back that I've been simply sad. I remember dispair, and excuciating pain and frustration and stress and anger and apathy. But saddness? no. I thought that to be depressed was to have thoughts of suicide all the time like i used to have. But I don't have that anymore. I don't think about ending it all. I just look ahead. But it's those days when I sit lonely in a room full of people, my heart sinks. Its those times when in deep thought words will escape from my mouth without concious thought: "sad". "SAD"??? No. no. no no.
Wednesday I realized deep inside of me that the reason I've never felt saddness specifically was because it's constantly radiating from me. Thats why people think something's wrong with me when there is nothing wrong. It's not a saddness about a death or about something someone said to me or about my self-esteem. It has to do with the fact that . . . I want something more in life. I'm not satasfied where I am, physically, mentally, spiritually. I have the urge to break down on my knees and cry, and tell God that I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry i didn't listen to him. I'm sorry when things get rough I look away. I'm sorry I'm too prideful to ask for help at church. I'm sorry I feel so trapt. I'm sorry I want to walk away. I'm sorry that when /I/ look into people's faces they look away. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry...

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:04 AM:-

More Deep But Still Too Shallow. Maybe One Day I Can Learn to Drown.

OK, so I figure I mine as well give you some more useful updates. Its one of those days where I'm going to post more than one blog today because I have no life >.> With reason of course, but being a no life gets you things like more than one blog post. Way too much time to think, and possibly non-sensical rants that I may change my mind about the next day. Alas.

My arm is practically normal again. Infact, I feel ready for crutches, but wether they'll give some to me or not is up to them. I was letting my foot air out of the boot, cause I can do that now and it's good for my skin, and the fan wasn't on, so there was no breeze and no air was actually HITTING my foot/leg. And so I went to fan it but instead of using my GOOD wrist I used my stiff left wrist and when i went to wave my wrist goes CRACK and i was like "Oh God...Oh God...I can move my wrist again! O_O" but yeah.
My ankle has been feeling kinda crummy lately. I have to keep putting my foot up cause my foot is still too swollen for me to really practice moving it up and down. The bruising on my ankle has gone down. And I think I'm actually moving it in ways I SHOULDN'T be yet >.>
Also, a couple days ago was my first REAL shower since August 10th. O_O It was....hard. Very hard. Trying to get in an out of a slippery shower with one foot is very difficult. And the water hurt my incisions. I had to watch the soap and make sure i didn't get soap on there. I washed my own hair. Afterwards I did feel clean but my ankle was sore. I don't know if I really look forward to the next shower. :-s "Spit-bathing"/"sponge-bathing" is just easier. x.x As weird as that sounds.
School's been ok. I kinda volenteer myself to do a big project... After I said I'd do it my mind was kinda "CRAP" but yeah... I'm probably one of the more qualified peoples to do it since I know how to work a computer and I'm utterly useless all day anyway. Its better than making some of those poor people who go to work and school all day have extra work. I mean what do I REALLY do all day? Wake up...sit in my wheelchair. Wait to get hungry. Eat. Play KoL. Watch TV. A LOT of TV. Possibly listen to some music. Eat. TV. Eat. TV. Eat. Talk to Nathan online until 2am...go to the couch and pass out. w00.
OH...and speaking of eating...I'm getting FAT. OH God I wish I hd a scale. It's hard for me to estimate how much i've gained because actually the muscle in my left leg are all astrophed. But oppositely my right leg has gotten a lot bulier, as well as my right arm. My left arm's slowly getting up to par as well. But I think the biggest evidence is when I put my pants on and I have to SQUEEZE very very difficultly into them x.0 And when I have certain shirts on I have a stomach. I'm all FAT. UGH. And i can't control my eating anymore. I've lost a lot of my ability to become full. I can eat and eat and eat until I'm physically SICK...then I'll stop just long enough for that to subside then i'll eat some more. I usually get full for maybe 20 minutes and then i'm hungry again. I SHOULDN'T be eating this much. I have no real way to work it off. And I'm just getting FAT. >.> I estimate that I've gained AT LEAST (due to some muscle astrophe) that i've gained about 5 lbs. 5-10lbs. So that would make me like...what? 92-97 lbs? That doesn't sound like a lot to you, but my bones are like twice as small as other peoples. ITS NOT RIGHT. I think I'd be highly amused if I hit 100 lbs.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:40 PM:-

COHEED!...BITHDAY!...HOUSTON!...*passes out

I just found out that Coheed and Cambria are coming to Houston on October 22.!..!..!!!..!!!! (wow. lots of !! thingos.) They're coming to Houston on my 18th birthday. x.0 Dear God, I want to go. Too bad I'm all crippled. Maybe I'll have crutches then that I can beat mobs off with. XB

EDIT: I just found out that it's BUZZFEST...ugh. Which means lots of stupid people will be there. LOTS OF STUPID PEOPLE. Nickelback will be there too...poo. Well, that pretty much ruins it for me. On a happier note...Idlewild is coming to Houston next Friday. That seems interesting . . . possibly worth looking into...possibly worth wheeling myself around for. I can't imagine much violence at an Idlewild concert. Maybe I'll just send Nathan to have fun for me :-p
I think it's funny that all my life i've been all "nooo...i don't want to go toa concert. I'll get RUN OVER!" and now that i'm all crippled I'm all "BRING IT ON! X.o"

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:19 PM:-

Kollege

So yesterday was my first day of my one and only college class. I don't think I'm going to like it as much as others hoped I would. I certainly dislike all the attention/odd stares I get from others from being in a wheelchair. I have to ahve help getting out of the classroom because it's cramped and I get stuck in the doorway.
Anyway >.> . . .
I didn't make myself wake up until 1pm today because I had no reason to really get up that early. It wasn't like anything was going to happen. I'm so bored of the news and home design shows. >.>
Wednesday church was well...it was nice to be out of the house. It was nice to hear a good sermon, it was nice to see happy people. I'm still having to ignore the odd looks though.
My arm's movement is getting better. It's still not able to bear my weight enough for crutches at all. But I can lift up things like drinks and i can type with my left hand now. I still can't twist it all the way...which is the movement we're really going for. I also can't move my wrist very well yet...I can move it 60% down, and after that it's very stiff either way.
The BEST news though . . . sometime this evening Nathan and Mark are coming down from college for the long weekend. *sniff* I missed them. This has really been what I've been looking forward to the past two weeks.
I've been getting around on the walker a lot more (the walker has an arm rest for my left arm and i use my elbow to lift instead of my wrist) I get a little impatient with moving so slow and I tend to try to go too fast on it. lol. I might now attempt for the first time ever to use my walker to get into the kitchen....maybe I can even fix myself something to eat....maybe....

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:53 PM:-