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Sunday, September 18, 2005::

*hums*

So I havn't posted in 6 days. Not like that really matters. I wonder why I feel such a dedication to this thing? I could never keep up with a journal as a child, if I started a journal now I would forget it within a month. So why have I poured out to this blog here for the past 2-3 years? Not only that, but the fact that most of it is so meaningless, or typed out of anger, frustration or depression makes it hard sometimes not to try to cover up things i've said a year ago that I'm ashamed of today.
Completely ignore this post
I'm looking at myself in the mirror right now and I must say that I am disapointed. I think perhaps that I am that one person you knew in highschool that was nice, but kind of annoying. The one you thought seemed a little too naive, or immature. A lower IQ with a low self esteem. Maybe that's what I am. Maybe I should just face the facts rather than say "no...I want them to see who I really am." But maybe that's who I really am. And maybe it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. I feel so stupid when I smile.
Attribute Complaining and other Immature and Possibly Uncomfortable Stuff
Today I looked like I havn't even tried. My hair is in a mess with a baggy shirt on and some glasses that make me look like a librarian. Honestly I don't know why I'm typing this . . . because the only thing this can bring is pity and an attempt at some reassuring comments that will make me happy for about three seconds before I disbelieve them. I'll never believe them, maybe. Ha, I argue with Nathan about it all the time. I shouldn't argue about why a guy likes me, should I? Even if he has some odd tastes. Maybe I'm just sad by the fact that it would take odd tastes to like me. A girl I would think would make a guys jaw drop is "ugly" to him. "too much make up", "her chin is too big", "she has that fake tan", "her nose is ugly". and I'm thinking "WHAT?". He's so specific, and I think "Guys aren't this specific are they?". Because it seems like most guys turn their heads to about the same thing. Perhaps I'm wrong. I can't exactly see how in HIS mind, somehow, my attributes deem 'perfect' in his eyes, when I can find so many that I think are so much better than anything I am. Of course, Nathan has a certain distinct taste for gothic chicks. Pale with dark hair and black clothing and a choker. It's certainly been a long time since I've worn all black clothing and my choker though . . . But I think he still has hope. o_O
I hope you realize that I am rambeling with no point or organization, right? Good. And really if you've read this far, I'm probably embarassed. Then why post it, you say? Because I want to let out my thoughts in an uninhibiting way. Many of us just SEEM mature because no one knows what imature thoughts are in our heads. Maybe that's the basis of maturity (actually, not maybe I know it is and I've known for a long time) . . . its knowing what to say and what not to say. Great, I've known THAT my entire life. And now I can't keep my mouth shut. I always say stupid inaccureation things. I'm not smart. I don't have anything important to say. So I think I've decided to stop talking again. In person. Nathan is my vent but only because me and him have an understanding that I have with no one else. He won't judge me, and I won't judge him. I'm done rambling worthlessly with this thing.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:25 PM:-