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Saturday, September 10, 2005::

I see with open eyes, but somehow I'm more dead than I'm alive

I need to admit that I have a problem . . . with depression. I...havn't known how to say anything before. I havn't had the words. I've been in denial. I've been sick of it. I don't think I even understood until now. I thought that I've never felt saddness because honestly i can't ever remember a time looking back that I've been simply sad. I remember dispair, and excuciating pain and frustration and stress and anger and apathy. But saddness? no. I thought that to be depressed was to have thoughts of suicide all the time like i used to have. But I don't have that anymore. I don't think about ending it all. I just look ahead. But it's those days when I sit lonely in a room full of people, my heart sinks. Its those times when in deep thought words will escape from my mouth without concious thought: "sad". "SAD"??? No. no. no no.
Wednesday I realized deep inside of me that the reason I've never felt saddness specifically was because it's constantly radiating from me. Thats why people think something's wrong with me when there is nothing wrong. It's not a saddness about a death or about something someone said to me or about my self-esteem. It has to do with the fact that . . . I want something more in life. I'm not satasfied where I am, physically, mentally, spiritually. I have the urge to break down on my knees and cry, and tell God that I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry i didn't listen to him. I'm sorry when things get rough I look away. I'm sorry I'm too prideful to ask for help at church. I'm sorry I feel so trapt. I'm sorry I want to walk away. I'm sorry that when /I/ look into people's faces they look away. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry...

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 12:04 AM:-