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Sunday, May 22, 2005::

A New Beginning

Graduation is an awesome event, and everyone at church was incredible today. It would seem immature to complain about anything that occured, but I feel that for my own documentary I should tell it as it came to me.

I know I was really teary the entire time, I blame myself being an emotional person in general. I cry a lot, and I hate it. If you don't like it, deal with it. However, I would never have been so weepy if my day hadn't began so terribly. This was the first time I'd ever gotten my parents to come to a service, seriously. And from the moment I was awake they were thrusting all their frustration in my face. Honestly, if my parents could have avoided going at all, they would have. Not to sound self-absorbed but this day really was for me, and for all the other Graduates of '05. I felt bad enough because since the beginning of this year, everyone's pretty much let me know that I deserved everything less than the other graduates because I was graduating early. But my parents made this entire thing to be about them. Both of my parents were so concerned about the way they looked. My mom couldn't find any of her clothes and was literally throwing things around like a little girl having a tantrum after having locked herself in the bathroom and blamed it all on me as if I was the reason she couldn't find her clothes. I felt dis-contented, but even though I was highly hurt, I calmly searched around my parents room and layed out some clothes on the bed for her. I wanted anything to tell her I didn't care how they looked. I was proud of them anyways. I just wanted them to be there, I just wanted everyone to be happy. I finnished getting ready besides brushing my teeth and when i went to do so my mom was still angry at me, blaming me for her clothes not matching, yelling at me to hurry up because we had to go. I couldn't help but get upset. Even when I was upset, she didn't care, nor stop blaming me for things. She blamed me for her not having eaten breakfast yet. I just never said anything, I just took it all. I was teary about all of it though, and the thought about me crying in front of all those people made me even more teary, i tried to compose myself before i walked into the church, but composing myself never works for very long. I was kind of glad I got to sit away from them at church. I cried a few more times, and tried to hide it, I tried being relieved by Pastor CRaigs humor, which helped a great amount. I love Pastor Craig, I'm pretty sure he's my favorite person alive. And knowing my social-anxiety I cried after I gave me short speech-type thing where i said my name, where i graduated from and where i was going, I just kinda said it on the spot, no emotional preperation or word preperation or anything. Not that I needed it, I mean, I should know my own name and stuff right? When we got to our table after the service there was a card on there addressed to me, It was a graduation card with $20 in it signed from tha Aldrich's, I was very flattered that they even remembered me. The food was great, Becca picked at it, as expected. I just kind of admired everyone's involvement in making it a special event. Pastor Craig came up to me and complimentewd me on what I had said on stage, I didn't really feel like I deserved it, and since I was still kind of a emotional mess I started crying again. Great, I didn't want to cry, I wanted anything just to look at him and not cry. I opened the present given to everyone who was graduated from the church and it was a CD specifically to the Class of 2005 and also $20. I'm too moved to spend this money on anything petty. >.> I was nervous about the speeches that someone had to make in my honor, I didn't know what my dad had planned, or if he even had anything prepared...and, with my luck, my dad ended up having to say his speech first. It was short and simple and sweet, and I felt kind of emotional about it becuase it was kinda like a tender moment type thing. I probably would have been more emotional if he'd really REALLY meant the words he said. But I know he just kinda said that, maybe he felt that a little bit, but mostly it was just for show. All the other stories were amazing, I think my dad felt kinda bad about that, but I never wanted his speech to be amazing, only non-embarassing. Everyone's stories were compelling and funny and heart-breaking, which just made me love everyone so much more. We took some group pictures. Afterwards ther was to be family photos, free of charge and just for us, my parents didn't even want to stay, they wanted to leave. As are my parents, I guess I coudln't ever expect my parents to change. I let Nathan take me home for several reasons, I had left my bible in the sactuary, also I knew if I'd went with my parents I would have to hear every single complaint from them about how they weren't given enough notice about the baquet (a weeks notice) and every little thing they didn't like about the service, and how they didn't like people and how they were ashamed to come out in public. Too ashamed of themselves to support me; that's how I see it. I just kinda cried to Nathan for a while, he's awesome at listening to me, I just had to get it all out. Nathan was even shocked how they didn't even want to stay.

Is it foolish to say that I can't wait to live in a dorm by myself?

Did I come off as such an emotional loser that I am to everyone?

I wish I was 3 years older, and that I'd grow up knowing all the awesome people of 1984-1985, being friends with them. But I'm not. So I should stop wishing.

Well, I'm friends with Nathan. He's my support, even though I'm not cool or known at church or school I will always have him.

Thanks guys.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:01 PM:-