|
|
Saturday, November 20, 2004::
Better Late Than Never
I guess now is as good a time as any to explain Wednesday, Thursday and so on and so forth, of course I'll only explain what I feel is in my right place to sayn on my blog. Keep in mind, I tell STORIES (true ones though), not brief summaries, so anything I talk about is usually unnesssarily long ^^
Wednesday I was in church, and we had a guest speaker, honestly it was a great service. We had our heads bowed and eyes clsoed and he ahd people raise their hands for things that were going on in their lives, after that was over he asked if anyone had raised their hands for any reason to go up to the alter, well, Melissa didn't want to go alone so she asked me to go with her. Honestly I should have been up there anyways, I just didn't want to . . . admit to it? I don't know. Maybe I just thought that I didn't need/deserve anything. The guy was trying for people, telling them things about themselves, plans for their future. He didn't come to me, which is a good thing because I probably would ahve wet myself o_0.
But I saw a lot of people, and friends get prayed for and it made me feel really good. I felt really good inside. The service lasted a long time. Well, we went back to our seats and everything took it's course and we were let out.
So I dashed to the bathroom because i really had to pee. And I heard someone say "We need to go, it's almost 9 o-clock" (Service is suppose to end at 8:30) and I PANICED, becuase my dad was going to KILL ME. So i found my sibelings and we ran out to my dad who was waiting in his truck. On the way there I got the sense that "everything is going to be okay", and "time will pass it by". Anyway, I opened the door and the first thing I see is my dad's face, and he was REALLY angry, and he said "YOU CAN NEVER GO TO CHURCH AGAIN" and I just got all these flashbacks about never seeing anyone again, he's still yelling, saying how he had to wait "30 goddammn minutes" (I hate it when people cuss, it makes me think of my dad), I got really upset, I knew he was being selfish, "YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET 'SAVED-ON-SUNDAY'...", He didn't even pray about it, he didn't even stop to think that maybe something amazing could be happening inside, that maybe something greater than him was at work.
Of course not, because that's not my dad, he's a better Christian than I am but he doens't have a relationship with God, he has nightmares all the time, he can't sleep in silence (he has to have his music on because he's parnaoid), he's super anxious all the time, he can't ever be wrong. Honestly I don't think the man could fall on his knees for anything except maybe money. I never want to marry anyone similar to him, if all guys are like that, maybe I don't want to marry at all. (This is the point where I decide to become asexual)
So when we get home, I just want to vent, I feel so exasperated, but as we get to the front door my dad tells us that we aren't allowed to get on the computer, and we can't watch TV, we have to go straight to bed. So I do, with all this pent up disapointment, and pain, and I just lay there, thinking about how maybe nothing will ever be right. But I kinda felt like God would make it better, evens till I coudln't stop crying. I was just startign to make friends! At least this time I wasn't thinking about killing myself.
Thursday, I woke up and felt unsurprizingly numb, I wouldn't come out of my room as long as my dad was in the livingroom (but isn't that normal?) I went to school and seemed ot be doing fine durring "0" hour, I was in the cafeteria before school, I felt really numb, and I tried to explain what had happened and I cracked. I just felt horrible. It wasn't fair.
I stopped crying, but was teary-eyed all through 1st period, even though I put ona face and pretended I was happy, I didn't talk to people more than I felt I needed too. In 2nd period, everybody was really happy because it was Nelson's birthday and everyone was having fun and eating, they didn't really pay attention to me though, even though there was only like 10 people in the class. I didn't feel like celebrating anyways, so I picked up and went to the corner of the room and just sat there. The teacher came over and asked me why I was crying (I wasn't???) but of course, never ask me something like that when I'm not feeling good cause then I'll satrt crying, rawr!! o_0 she INSISTED that I needed to go to the councelor. I said I didn't. She asked me if I was upset becuas eof "her" . . . HER??? What HER??? I was confused, I started thinking mayvbe this girl that wasn't in class today had killed herself, I kinda freaked out inside a little (but she's ok). She still insisted, dispite me telling her, REALLY, I DON'T NEED TO GO.
So I was like whatever, and the councelor came to get me, that's the first time I've ever been sent to the councelor, seriously. Everyone in the class was saying "bye, sweetie" and mush like that. Why were they even being nice to me? They don't even talk to me. They didn't even understand the situation at all.
So now I'm with the councelor, she's a very nice lady, and fun, let me say, however I REALLY didn't want to talk to her. I pretty mcuh refused to talk to her. So she went around the topic, darn them and their training. So whatever, I certainly didn't want to tell her why I was crying, my reasons seemed pretty silly to me. But we finnished when I mentioned that lunch was almost over and I had to catch the bus for 3rd period. She kinda paniced cause she was scared that I wouldn't get to eat, but whatever. So I went to lunch and tried to eat a muffin bar thing . . . but I wansn't really hungry. I stood by a group of people for a bit but just felt out of place. ialked to Aarona bit. I threw the rest of the muffin bar int he grass and went to 3rd period. The rest of the day I tried to forget about it, it'll get better. But yeah. Who's ever been banned from church before because the service let out late??? HONESTLY??? I guess I have.
I'll have to see if he follows through with it, maybe I just need to get a ride with friends now. Satan just wants me to miss something, I'm certainly not going to let him though. Why would that attack come so horrifyingly at that time? Why would the attack be that direct? Why does Satan mess with ME?
----
Well, I could probably post about other things, but this is an extreamly long post, I hope poeple read it and understand it. I'll just let that sit here a while.
-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:15 PM:-
|
|
|
