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Monday, November 22, 2004::
I remember the way you'd laugh and say that you love me and don't just pretend to
Maybe I'm doubting everything you can do . . . perhaps. Maybe it's just hard for me to accept that somebody can do ANYTHING. Maybe I want everything too fast . . . I need to slow down and enjoy the wind, the rain, the sun; life. I feel like I don't deserve it, maybe I need to change? How do I repair all that I've broken? These pieces of me, shattered, and scattered upon the ground can not heal by their self. It's foolish to ask where are you, you're right there. But where am I? For even though we are to walk by faith and not by sight, it makes me wonder where I'm standing. Maybe I need more faith. Maybe I need to stop thinking "later". Maybe I need to throw myself down. Maybe I need to apologise to everyone. Maybe I don't need anybody. But no, it's not their fault, it's my own. I don't deserve to be around anyone. You keep telling me what I can have -- BUT I DON'T DESERVE IT. Can't you see that? I feel like I'm in a middle place in my life. Where I'm just waiting. WAITING. But for WHAT? Maybe I need more patience. I need to go on a walk. I need to sit by myself and enjoy life outside. I can't keep living as what I used to be. Now I'm just rotting slowly from the inside, it burns. I feel sick every day. I feel like I don't matter. When they ask if anybody needs prayer, I just say to myself "It's not that big of a problem." Or, "I don't want to tell them, it's a stupid reason." The problem you're saying is that the problem doens't look that big, but it's roots are killing me. W00, poisonous roots. Great.
I'm sorry, I want to start over. Next time I'll be better, I'll be a better sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, student.
I just want to go now, but I can't leave yet. I have a mission.
-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:52 PM:-
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