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Monday, July 25, 2005::

EDIT: (in reply to Sam Nothing in accordence with his comment about the bottom of this post) I was going to comment this . . . but yeah, it ended up being very long. He said it was young-people bullshit to want a job that I like. He said "no one likes their jobs." He wants me to be super rich. He wants me to be a pharmacist so he can get free MEDICATIONS when he retires. I thought about being a pharmacist, I really did, but I thought also that I might not be able to take the schooling, becuase I'm less chemistry-minded but I am more anatomy-minded. What he's doing is using me, I don't even want to tell him what I REALLY want to be. I can't even talk to him, it's his fault I feel EMBARASSED to tell anybody what I want to do with my life. It's not just my dad, it's my entire dad's FAMILY. Once my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up (all his kids are in the chemical plant/medical business) and I should have said nothing so that he would have just lectured me about what I should be as a suggestion. But God knows why I told him, maybe I just wanted someone to be proud of what I wanted to be, though I should have been smart enough to know he never would. I told him, and he blew up in my face and yelled at me about how stupid that was and he kept going "YOU WANT TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST? READ MY MIND!!! READ MY MIND!!!" He told me I should be a doctor or a lawyer, they pay more. I got so upset, I took it all and I was crying and when we left he felt bad and called later and apologised to me. But he only apologised because he hurt my feelings, he didn't care that it was what I wanted to do. It kinda crushed me, and since then I've never felt really compassionate about helping other people out. I think I know what I want to be, but an inward fear of being rejected, or the fact that it might change toa lesser position only makes me embarassed to even discuss it. I will say that what I want to do is a respectable position. Actually, I'll just say it, Sara's words inspired me to be a dentist. and if I decided to go all the way I would make over $100,000 a year on median. Still less than a pharmacist. It's basically in the medical field, but since I'm not quite sure if I can handle trauma cases, I might decide to be a dental hygeinist instead, something I KNOW I could do and somethign that I really wouldn't mind doing and I could possible have FUN (as weird as that sounds). UNFORTUNATELY for my dad it *ONLY* makes about a little more than $60,000 a year median (for this area). *shakes head* He's going to loose me. He might insult my half-sister and she'd still love him, but what he doesn't realize is that I havn't loved him in years. And what he doesn't realize is that the only reason I stick around is because he holds the money to pay for my college. If I had the money on my own means I would not put up with him. I'd leave. I would be gone ina heart beat. Sometimes I think I'd rather live under a bridge than put up with his lies. But that would be foolish so I havn't left. I hope he's had a significant life of raising his children to dislike him, and i hope his sole purpose in life (to be rich) makes him feel better when he dies.

Today my dad told me to get my head out of my butt.

That's right. Today my dad called the house and when my mom told him that I would be signing up for fall college classes soon, he wanted to talk to me because he was "eager to find out" what I was going to do with my life. I just said "okay" and he said, "don't forget about a pharmacist!" I was just kinda like, "heh, okay" and he said, "You can do it!" and I said, "Yeah, I CAN do it, but that doens't mean I WANT to do it" and so he started arguing with me again about how "it's money that matters" and I told him that I want to do what I LIKE, and something I LIKE doens't have to be a poor paying job, or even a medium paying job, but it doens't have to be a FORTUNE. He told me that my half-sister had said the same thing, and that it was "bullshit." Then he told me to stop thinking like Nathan and to get my head out of my butt. Then he said "BYE" and I hung up. I hate him. Someone adopt me :(

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 1:39 PM:-