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Thursday, September 04, 2003::

This whole week has been a living hell. Nearly. I've wanted to die just so much this week from the rejection, the redicule, the stupidity, the demands. The only thing i look forward to in my day is that I might see Nathan. I feel comforted when I'm with him. Comforted but when I see him, I can't hold back the pain of the day or anything anymore and I just cry. He's my only sorce of comfort it seems. I was very upset this morning when Nathan almost didn't show up. I was frighting everythign back and I didn't even know it until he came and Corey was making fun of Nathan and I was so angry, i didn't even hear what he said, and before i knew it, i was screaming at him to shut up. and everyone was looking at me and at that moment i realized how much i hated school and i didn't want to go on with today and i just cried. I don't like 10th grade, at all, i knew it'd be like this. I knew it.

Yesterday I slipped and fell in the girl locker room cause the floor was all wet. Little things like that. But it wasn't that I slipped. It was that that one girl, she's very racist against white people, which makes it all the worse. Was laughing at me SO HARD. and not the "hahaha...are you ok?" it was ridicule...pointing...nonstop laughter even after I got up and went back to my locker. I didn't cry. Not in front of her. I went to change in the stall to get into dry clothes and I cried. only a little... but enough to get the hate out of me. It was the first time I've ever handled something that well. But I don't want to go back to PE. Not just because of that but also, the pool was over chlorinated and it dried out my skin so bad. It hurt a lot.

None of my homework was done today because church and i took a looong bath afterwards yesterday. This morning was crap... i stormed off to my locker got my crap and was quite sure i was only at school because i was enslaved. Slammed my stuff down and delt through History even though i'm sure i'm FAILING now. Got to geoemetry...gave the teacher a half-hearted smile...threw my crap down. got out the crap work...worked on the homework i didn't do... bearly got through that class...went o IPC...it took forever...i took a test...cried quietly every so often. went to lunch... some girls came and sat with me that i didn't know... we talked. they were nice. i ate my cookie (it was cookieS but it morphed into one giant cookie in my backpack)...then i went to spanish. sat down and just gave up. i was so numb. at points i zoned out. I felt so inside my head. like my eyes were sinking far back into my head and i was seeing tunnel vision. like my body was unreal. I did what work i could. and i was lucky.. even though he was teachign fromt he student desk right behind me, he didn't get to me for the binder check and didn't ask me do do problems out of the cuaderno-thing becuase i LEFT IT AT HOME so that would have been bad. and before the pep ralley, before we could leave. i turned to the side for fast escape when the bell would ring and i was looking down and he asked me how i was and i gust went "nnuueehh" and he looked at me and he goes "what's wrong??" and i CAN'T HANDLE when people ask me that, I cry. and he was all converned which i apreciate but i can't handle concern or pity when i'm upset and i just went "It's nothing, IT DOESN'T MATTER!" and i turned away and he was like "ah--no-wait-uh" but i just stayed turned around in my desk and the bell rang and before i could get up he told me to stay and i was thinking "nnoo.." and he asked me what was wrong and i go "It's just SCHOOL" (refraining form saying skloo) bluntly and i started to leave but he said "What's wrong? It is other students?" and i thought back in my head a second and i said "It's a mixture of everything" and i left as quick as possible.
Heh--i think that's the first time I've ever spoken that harshly to a teacher. He's a nice guy, i feel bad that I did that. Yet at the same time relieved that i had some sort of additude in my voice. and then i skipped the pep-ralley with my friends and that was the best part. it was all storm-y outside and you could hear it in there loudly and it was pretty fun... then i came home. and now i should be doing my poem for drama so i don't get kicked out of that class. But instead i'm venting here hoping someone will read and understand. cryign when i think about it so trying not to. Dreding tomorrow, because i'm not goign to participate in gym tomorrow. And i hate disapointing people and looking like a slacker.

I'm really not a bad student. I don't do things like other people. Maybe more for other people than for myself.

But may I make it clear . . . that I am ONLY in shcool so i can go to college so i can GET A JOB to be responsible if i'm to ever have a family. If i didn't havea desire for a family when i grow up . . . I'd be a hobo, happily. I think if i ever had a problem and i could never have children I'd kill myself.

well there's my venting.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:35 PM:-