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Saturday, November 01, 2003::

It's times like this I wish I were brave...


I don't think anyone could understand my anger and pain right now. How much I wish my parents would just die or give me permission to leave. I don't even know if I want to blog it. But whatever. Soon after my latest post I had the lovely experiance of my dad practically busting in my door and screaming at me that I wasn't allowed to use the phone line at all today. And i got upset because i DIDN'T KNOW WHY and i was like "what?" and i was just shocked. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to be hated and punished and you don't even know why you suck. And he said something about me not hearing the white phone from his room and I was confused. "I'm suppose to hear a phone ringing from that far away?" and "That's the reason I'm being screamed at like an animal who just shit on the carpet because they have bowel problems?" So you can imagine I was hurt and shocked down to the core and he walked awya and I started crying "I don't even know what i did!" and my dad screamed back "LOCKING YOURSELF UP AWAY FORM PEOPLE IN YOUR ROOM IS WHAT YOU DID!" and i was like like ~WHAT???~ so I was pissed off and upset and my mom came in and said that just give it time and he'll get over his anger and I screamed at her while putting on pants that "I DON'T CARE!" and i ran out of my house in to the back yard and sat behind the shed a while thinking and hating my home and my parents and my life. But then my mom started mowing so i went back inside (with struggle) and got fully dressed and grabbed my black hooded jacket. Put my medicine in my pocket, broke the handle of a razor and put it in my pocket, pocketted $51 and some change for a payphone, and grabbed a stress ball and walked out fo the house and just left. I thought so bad about leaving, goign to Houston or something, calling Nathan form McClean park and leaving. But I ended up walking around the block. I was over half way around and almost back on my street when my mom drove by and pulled over and said "would you tell me next time your leaving the house" and i said "k" and walked away and i walked back to my house and sat at the side of my house and just threw the stress ball at the wall screaming at the wall saying things like "STUPID" and "I HOPE YOU BURN" and "I HATE YOU". My mom went bakc to mwoing the back yard and my dad came out and said i wasn't grounded and i asked why and he said because I didn't know they had left. ?????? YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THAT INTO MIND BEFORE YOU ACCUSED ME LIKE I'D JUST GOTTEN CAUGHT HAVING SEX WHILE SMOKING CRACK. So, yeah, NO SHIT. And he asked me if I wanted to go to the store with him and i was like "No" so he left and I sat ther a while and Becca and her friend came over and I told them if they touched me I'd hurt them and they didn't beleive me and I threw the stress ball at the wall real hard and they ran away. I eventually got up the energy to grab the phone out of the house and I went back outside and called Nathan and he came to pick me up. It seemed to take him forever to get there. I was so exhausted and numb, except that the sun was cooking my skin.

I asked my mom if I could go to Nathan's until 3:30 and she said yeah so we left. He made me feel a lot better. We walked along the creek and then we went to IHOP, courtesy of me (he helped some ;) ) because I had my $51 dollars. Then we left and went to his house for a bit and His dog got shaved and she looked so little compared to when she was all fuzzy and I laughed, cause she was so scrawny. Then I went home, only my dad was home, I played with my dog then I asked if I could eat dinner at Nathan's at 5:30, he said yeah. So I went to my room and there was these huge things of beef jerky laying by my keyboard. My dad was trying to apologise with food. heh. It's almost effective. Of course my mom came in and threw my clothes at me and told me to do something useful today and fold my clothes. Which is her equivalent of saying "i hate you, your worthless", that's exactly what her tone of voice said. andsos till without medicine I'm feeling pretyt numb. My leg hurts, my skull hurts. And I'm definatly Irish.

So, as for my extreamly large post from one of the many worthless children in the world that will never amount to anything. Until I return!

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 4:40 PM:-