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Thursday, March 18, 2004::
Friendship
I went to daycare for the first 9 years of my life. I attended in, those 9 years, two different daycares. The first one I attended from the ages of about 1-6. And then the second one from 6- to about 9 1/2 years when my sister was born and my mom quit her job. Though I have very faded memories of the first daycare, I mostly have only fond memories. Unfortunately in the summer before 1st grade, they raised their prices, and my mom took me and my brother out. Then the second one came. I remember choosing it because a girl that was in my Kindergaurden class went to that daycare.
I remmeber the first day there, I looked around for her and didn't see her. I was afraid that maybe she had moved, or maybe she was just sick. Either way I apearently wasn't finding out because I was terribly afraid to ask a random kid about her, thinking that either 1. they might not know her and think i was stupid, or 2. be really mean and just insult me. Miracalously, I actually pinpointed some people that seemed nice enough and walked over to them and asked them if they knew where Samantha was. They kinda gave me odd looks and told me she was on vacation. I said "oh" and quickly walked away. Ah, summer vacation, it's too bad she didn't stay on vacation...perminantly.
So I attended that daycare for about 3 years, and in those three years only one thing occured to me... manipulation. Apearently Sam hadn't gotten the jist of the whole friendhsip thing. And I guess I never got the jist of the whole self-esteem thing. We'd be playing, she'd want to do somehting "dangerous" (for a kid) or "against the rules" (though most were worthless), and either I would do it, orI would stand up for myself-and that's where the whole thing blew up in my face.
See, I've never been good at standing up for myself, I can always make the standing up comment, but then when they fire back it's like i'm in shock that they actually would argue/insult back.
"Chicken", "wimp", "scaredy-cat", I got called it all. And I had no reply to it, I wasn't any of those things, bu I had no way to prove it. And then the crying came, my fate, and then i'd here the all too famous "cry baby". And then I'd walk off to hide. It's as if being called names until you cry and walk off wasn't bad enough. But on many occasions they actual had the indecensy continually taunt me while I was crying. Sitting in the tunnel curled up, crying your eyes out then suddently having children surrounding both the exists and screaming in at you from both sides, taughting words, insults, mockery. And I was stuck there in the middle of it all, thr words scarring into my brain like a branding iron.
I would leave, angry, at them, but mostly at myself. I never told my mom the entire 3 years about it, I didn't want her advice, I knew what I had to do, I had to drop this friendship, it wasn't a friendship anyway, it was abuse.
I walk into the daycare I'm going to do it I walk into the room I should do it... Samantha walks up to me uh..umm.. "i'm sorry about yesterday, lets be friends" Err...okay
Failure. And the whole rpocess would repeat again. Not only that but ehr constant lies, and things to make me feel completely stupid and irrelivant. Swearing about things and then when i said "i swear-" she would say "I'm not allowed to swear" and i'd be like "But! you! just!-WHAT?" and then she'd say "I swear-" again and I'd be like "HA! I thought you weren't allowed to swear?" "ohh..uh...i am now!"
What a friend.
Fortunatly after I quit going to daycare in thr 3rd grade and we stopped having classes together, we drifted apart...for the better. She got involved with a bad crowd, I'm sure has done a ton of bad stuff. Considers herself bad, and likes it that way.
I'm glad to be away from that
-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 10:08 PM:-
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