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Saturday, June 19, 2004::

funny sort of feeling

meaningless post, don't bother reading....

Since my blog is for things that are going on in my life both physically being and mentally, I suppose this is appropriate.

Wether you know this or not, I have always been connected with morbidness. I've never known where it's come from, it's just always been there. I've always been kinda drawn to it. And before the things that held me back were what people thought, if they'd like it. If they didn't like it. Well, I don't really care what you think about what I wear, because clothes are meaningless anyway.

Maybe the morbid humor came from the fact that if I always thought the worst then I would never be disapointed. There was always the small hope that it would work out, but everytime I took anything so lightheartedly it always came down on me worse than anything else. I also don't care what you think about my ways of coping.

I've always loved spikes and chains and black...but I've also loved many other things, not one thing in specific. I've liked many things for what they were, and how they looked. I love so many colors too. It wasn't about who wore them or what people thought of them.

Now wearing them was a different issue. Once I could, I would only wear things that I liked, but also I would only wear things that other people liked. I'd always down-dress it. Down-play it. Cover it up. Some days I would be brave enough to just wear what I wanted however I felt. I always found it amusing how other people reacted to it.
It's funny when you wear a couple things differrent than usual how different everyone treats you
Uneducated people amuse me, and often make me angry, but mostl they just amuse me.

I suppose I would seem like a person that hated cliques, that I would hate people just because they wore something "preppy", or wore something unusual for my tastes, or wore only black.

But the truth is, I find an amusement in all the "styles". Because it's not the clothes that make the people.
I hate it when people think because they wear plaid and converse and a studded belt with a messenger bag with band labels all over it that they're better than people and everyone one else is stupid. I hate it when people never wear the same clothes again and always wear nice clothes so they think everyone else is evil and dirty.

I don't hate people becaase of what they wear. I don't judge people by what they wear, maybe I am eclectic, but the value of your own clothes are only determined by the value of your attitude.

The only problems with clothes I would ever have is when people aren't completely covering their specific body parts that should be covered, or that they would have an ungoddly label on their clothing or body.

Anyway

Even though I love morbidness...I suppose it's been hard for me to connect with those thoughts lately. Like I've been saying to people it's been hard for me to create art, or write. My mind deleted like a whole lot of memories. It's really hard for me to remember things past a certain point. I remember the big things...But I don't dwell on them anymore. Kinda feels like a void when your memories are gone. But I believe my body knew what was best. And the nightmares have stopped. Yeah, the nightmares have stopped.

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 5:10 PM:-