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Monday, January 17, 2005::

All of my capabilities . . . I feel like there's too much that I can't do. Why do I associate myself with almost nothing, yet feel connected to so many things? I suppose it's because I know I am not strictly one thing or the other . . . I'ma combination. But that's what normal people are . . . blends. But why do I, or why does anyone . . . strive to be so different and end up the same as the rest of the world? What would you die for?

I was thinking of the quote that Matt had on his name beofre "If you have nothing to die for you have nothing to live for" But how there's so many people who wouldn't give up their life for anything, ro anyone. They're so selfish they'd have to give their own life for their own life. Which makes no sense. So they're just here,c linging to a meaningless existance, trying to "live it up". There are people who are so busy trying to "find themselves" that they don't realize that they're already who they are. There are people who care so much about what other people think, even if no one knows they're thinking like that, that they're handicapped,a nd they don't realizet that those people who would judge you . . . they're just worthless.

I'm walking down halls . . . and I have a better self-worth, not a self-pride, because pride is struck down too easy. Not a coincededness, because I know there are many poeple greater than me, but I am able to realize the people who would think against me are worthless human beings. The impacts they would make on this earth are most likely trivial, and that they truly don't know who I am.

Instead of cutting myself down today, I'll grant myself with a small list of things I'm proud of myself for...

- I grew out my fingernails without biting them
- I've been able to handle my days lately (school/dog/sibelings/dinner
- I actually cooked a good batch of toast
- I like my hair color right now
- I havn't been depressed at all
- I've been doing my homework
- I passed last semester

Of course I have to give a lot of my credit to Nathan, becuase without him some days I would just go insane with stress. Things just aren't the same anymore. I miss the 9th grade, the summer after ninth grade. Everything was just fun and free, and fast, and spontanious. But now my days are filled with responsibility and work, and soon it'll be filled with more responsibility and work. Wait until I actually have a /job/.

Geez. Things were hard, but things are better, the past disapears. Transitions are hard and long, but in the end you hardly remember the pain.

"Now that we're here, its so far away, all the struggle we thought was in vain...All the msitakes that one life contained, they all finally start to go away"

-: Amy Kelley blogged it up at 9:53 PM:-